Just Google It.....

 I do this shit all the time...

Why would someone not want to know everything they can? I've said it before, I love encyclopedias and the knowledge about stuff they have in them. I do want to eventually get a full set of the Encyclopedia Britannica. It's hard because they always update and add new stuff. Those suckers are expensive. I know there's the digital version for 80 bucks but it's just not the same. Ugh! so much information!!!
You don't need school to be educated necessarily, all you need is the willingness to learn about things and the internet. Yes yes, but Skully, the internet is full of false and inaccurate information. Well then you just need to stay away from social media and know where to get your information from. I will be honest, I read trash and stuff that I know is loaded with crap information but I always take that with a grain. Be skeptical but also use common sense. I guess it helps when you're so open-minded to everything, and you want to just absorb as much knowledge as possible. Not everyone has the time. I have a lot of time. I mean on a daily basis, not in life in general, I'm getting old and I'll prolly die soon from some health reason or another. But anyways...

So yeah, the internet makes it so easy to just type what you wanna know and you can read shit about it quick, it's really not a new thing. This topic popped in my head today cuz I have been studying for my CST certification exam and as I'm going through the test book, I'm also googling stuff that I wanna know more of... which by the way is slightly not smart because I'm not even half way through this damn book. I get side-tracked A LOT and that's really not good when I'm trying to focus on studying for something specific. I mean it does pertain to what I'm studying so it's not completely terrible, but still. That's where the thirst for knowledge comes in with me. I'm readying a question, and I get the answer right, but I wanna know why. OK, soooo why is a culdocentesis performed for a suspected ectopic pregnancy? and where are we making a surgical puncture?, and what is the fluid we're draining? I'm telling you man, I go off on googling and reading this shit. Or yeah, you use a coude tipped catheter for a urethral stricture... why? why not a normal tipped one?

If you tell me, well you should have learned that in school, ohhh, that's another rant I can (and will) go off on in another entry, but I'll say this here... We didn't really learn much at the school from the teachers we had. Anywhos!
Getting back to my topic. The internet, in general has so much information, if people took the time to read about things on their own and not because they were told to, we'd have so many brilliant people in this world. If they spent more time researching things they'd like to really learn about rather then having their faces glued to social media turning their brains to mush, I can guarantee you, people would be smarter. Not saying that people won't still do dumb stuff. Goodness knows I'm full of dumb shit. Take the time to be a little more eloquent with my words and use proper writing and speaking skills... Nah, I don't know that shit, so obviously I'm not talking about writing and speaking knowledge. I did notice however, in my general ed classes when we had to do our essays, the proper writing skills did come out. I'm not making excuses for my poor grammar and punctuation here, just stating an observation. What I do here is just me typing away how I talk normally. It's funner to go back and read these and giggle to myself. And yes, "funner" is totally a word. google it! just kidding, I don't fuckin know if it is... and I'm not gonna go google it to make sure (ok maybe I just did).  

Did I just veer away from my topic again... kinda... ok bringing it back.
The "want" for the knowledge is what most people lack nowadays. The "I don't care attitude" seems to be all around us. I'm not preaching anything specific but just people's attitudes in general lately. 
Not everyone wants to know about things. I'll be honest, I was like that too. If it wasn't near me or if I wasn't affected by it directly, I didn't care. Yes I still live in my bubble, and yes I still don't like to go out places, but I still have the desire to know what's going on outside my life. And that's a huge reason why the people of the world are the way that they are. They don't take the time to learn about things they don't understand, or new things, or even things they actually have questions about. It's easy to just say fuck it, I don't care. I have those days, but more times then not, I'm opening up a web browser and looking it up myself. Not only reading the first thing that I see, but take from different sources and just soak up everything you can.

I really liked this picture I found. It just reminded me of what I do with things I think about that I wanna look up. My tiny computer desk is always scattered with post-its. I think of something, and if I can't look it up right then there, I write it down and look it up later. When I go out, I always have a little note pad in my bag. I've been utilizing the "sticky note" feature on my computer more because I have terrible handwriting and sometimes can't even read what the frick I wrote. Whatever I have to do to remind myself I guess. 
I have my moments of being fascinated by certain things and wanting to learn more about it. I think I mainly focused on the reading aspect of research, and completely forgot about the wonders of YouTube. I will be honest, I'm a dinosaur and it wasn't until a couple years ago that I really understood that YouTube wasn't just for entertainment and watching people do dumb ass shit, but there is educational stuff on there as well. It's 2am and I'm tired so I'll end this here. ok... ok bye!

Insecurities

 Alright. completely sober when writing this. That last one was interesting to say the least.

I hold onto a lot and bottle shit up. I guess I felt the need to pop the top off just a tad while drunk and see where that put me in the sharing department. It wasn't super shocking to be honest. It wasn't terrible at all considering when my normal brain went over it, I didn't have to delete anything... I swear I didn't. Even if I did I guess you'll never know huh.

Anywhose, although I have the topic for this one picked, it might end up bleeding into the depression category again... You really can't have one without the other in my opinion, or at least I can't. I don't know which is making the other worse.
Is it the fact that I'm depressed so not giving a shit about my health or body anymore is playing on my insecurities?
Or that I have so much insecurities that it's making me depressed and not wanting to do anything.
When I say "not wanting to do anything", I literally mean that. I just want to crawl back in bed, close my eyes and fall asleep. It's easier to do that lately because I've been sick. Which btw is super odd... I don't fuckin get sick. I don't remember the last time I was sick like this. It must have been hella long time ago cuz the medicines I did have was expired for a hot minute. I think sometime last year I had a slight cold but that was over in a couple days.

And with the feeling of wanting to crawl into bed ending up becoming the feeling of never wanting to get out of bed, that's where most of the depression sets in. 
Actually, there's two places most of the bad thoughts flood my head.. In bed and in the shower. I really don't know why those two places fuck with my head so much. haha. Actually I think I know why. The bed because although no one else is in the room with you, when you cry you can pull the blanket over your face and in your head no one else will know or see what happening. 

I'm gonna assume the shower reason is the same for crying. The water washes your tears away. But the bathroom as a whole is the worst for my body insecurities... Naked in the bathroom, looking at the piece of shit staring back at you, wondering how the fuck you let yourself get like this again and really wondering if you can ever undo what you broke. I say broke because I feel I did break everything. I broke my drive to get shit done. I broke the confidence I once found in myself. I broke my rule of never letting that "depressed" label ever be associated with my name. But I broke that several years ago I guess. Feels bad, it really does.

I know I struggle with the way I look now as opposed to how I did several years ago. Catfishy pictures are all I have going for myself right now... kidding, kinda. I've been taking some, but still hate the shit out of them. Gets me more depressed. 

Why don't you just change and do better?
That's easier said than done in my opinion. I try... I try to do things that makes me happy. Puts a smile on my face even if only for a short while. I don't know what will help... Medication? maybe. Will getting on antidepressants help me look past my insecurities? I don't fuckin think so, I don't think they work like that. I'm a hot mess, I know it. No amount of happy pills is gonna fix it. 

Everytime, well like 90% of the time, when I hear from an aunty, she always asks about my love life. And the answer to her is always the same. "I have no interest, I'm gonna die alone". It's partially to make myself feel better about being alone and really it makes me laugh.  But in all seriousness, how can I even think to get into another relationship. Things I hate about myself are manifested 10x in my head and just the thought of my partner seeing and silently agreeing with all my gross insecurities terrifies me. And besides how can I expect someone else to love me if I can't even fuckin love myself.

Depression and life

Im not gonna sugar coat anything and try to hide shit on this one..
I might be struggling with life.
With everything, personal and school life is a shit show.
I am not equipped to get though any of this. I know im drunk when im writhing this and all Im telling myself to do is edit the typing in the morning and then post it. I think its a better way for me get shit out on a level that is for reals. It might be just a way for me to know how I think when im drunk off my ass. so much shots of vodka has been had.
In the beginning it hides everything. gets rid of the feelings of all my issues, and just makes me feel good. like nothing fucking matters like my life isnt a shit show, when in actuality it is very much just that... a FUCKIN' shit show.
Im procrastinating on so much stuff for school.  It might be the end of my time here, but I will push through. I have a few friends that I'm not communicating as well as I should and immersing myself into World of Warcraft more then I really should. but fuck it, they know how I am and they still like me so thats a good thing I guess. 
_______________________________________
oh boy... the above was written back on Dec. 29, 22

I still have my bouts of depression popping up every so often, and I think it might stem from school. It's just really not what I had expected you know. Clinicals is a shit show... not the job itself, I guess the atmosphere where me and 2 other of my classmates are. I don't know. I think as far as being students at a hospital doing your clinicals, there should be more of a support system with the teaching and the school instructors being more active with the students... but we don't get that at the hospital we're at. The school instructors pretty much just dumped us off and said "fuck you, figure it out". We have no guidance and when one of the students actually reaches out to the instructor, they don't respond for several days, or even at all. They are very good at letting the students know that they don't give a fuck... They're just in it to take your money and let you sink. I don't reach out to any of them because that whole school is a fuckin hot mess complaining cluster fuck. Even people on the administrating side complains about the school to the students... fuckin professional right! It brings me down so much, and every day I wonder if I made the right decision. Of course I'm not giving up, Im gonna get through this, get my degree, get certified and I'll figure out the rest later. I should be more focused on this but in the given situation, It's so hard to get motivated. And I know that's where my depression stems from.
Along with the depression from school, my weight is a huge issue for me. And with that comes even more depression. And when I get depressed, I eat and the cycle never stops. The only thing that brings me joy is playing world of warcraft. But since I'm trying to be not completely anti-social, I've joined guilds for interaction and conversation, but get stressed out and depressed when drama happens and then I leave. You can tell me for days not to let things bother me, but I can't help it. 
My depression is not to the point of ever hurting myself. I really don't have it bad to the point where ending my life would be the only option for me. I'm always hopeful that things will get better and I'll get through this. I would never accept the "depressed" label, until family would keep asking. And then they would stop asking and they just flat out told me "You're depressed" plain and simple. Ohhh boy and at that point I'd get real defensive. I hated that word... it wasn't denial in my eyes, I really could not fathom the idea of ever being depressed... but I started doing research of the actual condition and it made me even more depressed to know that the signs are there. My actions, feelings, thoughts... are all that of a person suffering from depression. Trying to hide it is not fixing it. Trying to put that superficial coat on of smiles and cracking jokes all the time is a temporary fix. It's more for people around me. You don't bring down others if you're struggling with shit. Struggle by yourself is how I see it. And I do it damn well. But sometimes I do slip and tell people more then what I should. And then I kick myself, because embarrassment sets in... More so because I'm fuckin getting older and I have no life, I have nothing to really live for, no kids, no relationship, no career, I smoke and I drink until all of that shitty life reality fades away and I enjoy the numbness I feel physically and emotionally. Oh yeah and then being told that alcoholism runs in our family doesn't really seem to sink in. That part I'm not in denial, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't have a problem. drinking every day until you're shit faced does not make one an alcoholic... right? I drink by myself, where no one will see or hear hurtful shit if it ever would come spewing out of my mouth. I doubt it, I think I'm a fun drunk person. 
I initially wrote this to help my process... maybe typing while I was drunk was gonna make me realize, what the fuck are you doing with your life!??!?! but it's really only making me more depressed, knowing that someone, even me, is struggling with this alone is super sad. No support system, refuse to talk to friends or family no matter how much times they tell you "come to me if you need to talk", I've said it before, I don't burden anyone with my dumb issues. I'll deal with it myself. And no I'm not gonna fuckin kill myself... It would be so easy.

I have come crawling back... (Facebook)

Who the fuck thought I died? Ugh if only... 💀💩
Half a year seems like long enough yeah?
But for the ones that didn't notice my ass deactivated ... FYI, I did. 
Part of me feels like it wasn't a long enough break and then the other part of me says meh! just reactivate and spam the shit out of the "like" button on everyone's stuff.
Wait is everything even the same?
Has stuff changed on FB or IG?
Will I be able to figure that shit out?  We'll find out right... I'm kidding of course. I'm sure even a monkey can figure that shit out... Monkeys are smart though, I mean have you seen them peel a banana?!?!?! smart little shits they are!
Anywhos!
Let's see... School, work, home. So much school, not so much work, not enough home. aaaand that's pretty much it!!! ok bye

Kidding, I guess that was a basic description of my life during that little break.

Notice how I didn't add World of Warcraft in there. That's because although I did have an active account, I didn't play as much as I used to. Even now I don't and I would LOVE to say it's because I've emersed myself in my studying but not really though. I had done a couple posts on my WoW blog lately though so I haven't fully not done anything ingame.
So what has replaced my WoW time?

ANIME has taken over a part of my life. I'm not savy in the world of anime yet, but I love it and want more. So much so that I did do a Crunchyroll sub. I remember doing a Nerdcrate box opening video and I got a flyer with a Crunchyroll coup code and I was like "um WTF I don't want this?"... What was I thinking!?!?!? ugh I wanna slap myself now. oh wells. But yeah I 💓 Anime right now. Ugh! why did it take me this long to get into this shit!
I had to start with the current popular ones (Demon slayer, Attack on Titan, My Hero Academia, Jujutsu Kaisen, Death Note and then others Re: Zero, Sword Art Online, Black Butler, Hunter x Hunter, and suggested by Crystal, Tokyo Ghoul, so good LOVE that one so much. Sorry Crystal, I haven't gotten to Dragonball yet... BUT I did start on Naruto. OK I better stop cuz I could go on and on... shit I might make another post JUST about my anime, husbandos and waifus.

Oh and here is a pic of the two latest pieces of glass art I asked Dustyn to make for me!!!
He does such awesome work, and yes he should sell them, but he doesn't take my money, so I just buy him random unnecessary shit from Amazon unbeknownst to him... like I bought him the Attack on Titan sword for cosplayers... LOL why? cuz it looked cool. 

Ok so on that anime note, my love of Japan has creeped the fuck back into my soul. I mean aside from the fact that it runs through my body being half Japanese and all... derp!, but seriously, thoughts of actually moving there is taking up significant space in my heart. Last week, I would like to say out of the blue, but I might have put that notion in Pop's head to actually ask me if I would move there, cuz I was putting labels in Japanese on things. like "nagashi" on the sink or "sentakki" on the washing machine. No matter how much times we watch Sumo, he's never once asked me that. I have bought books, and downloaded apps to help me learn the language, but I have not actually taken the time to really invest in learning Japanese. The decision to learn while I'm in school for Surgical Tech wasn't good timing... HEY! my brain is very small and simple as you all know, I can't fuckin learn a new trade AND a new language at once bruh! who do you think I am? That fuckin' Rosetta Stone chick!?!? no but seriously, I don't have the mental capacity for it right now... When I'm done with school, get settled into the Surg Tech job world, then most likely it would be the time. With all that being said, I would love to move there, but baby steps so of course eventually I will visit in the near future to dip my toes in the whole culture first.

Oh wait! how did that all start? why the fuck do you wanna move out of the US. Is that even a serious question right now? HA! ANYWAYS!!!!

Now that I think about it, I didn't fully leave social media. Cuz it didn't dawn on me until literally this moment, that YouTube is considered "social media" HOWEVER!!! In my defense I watch it on my Roku, and I'm pretty sure it does not utilize the comment section. Cuz if it does, I've never seen it. All I can do from my Roku is watch the fuckin videos and subscribe to the channels. So really the "social" aspect of it all has been completely shot through Roku. SOOoooo... never mind all that rubbish, no social media lives on!
But yeah so where the frick was I going with that, was that along with anime, I've been suckered into the world of youtubers and dare I say influencers. Where did my resurfacing Japan bug come from? I have no clue how I found "Abroad in Japan", maybe from all the sumo content I watch, and the interweb spies said "hey try this shit!" well I did indeed get suckered in. If I were to sum up Abroad in Japan, pretty much it's a channel about travel, food and culture in Japan. And from that spawned a slightly uncontrollable need to consume anything "otaku" related surrounding Chris Broad. For the longest time I have not been willing to add anything to my laundry list of things I watch but majority of the people he is associated with I really enjoyed, they are funny and I am always entertained when I watch their stuff.  Ugh it's so good! I made a chain chart of people I enjoy watching that branched off of that show:

Ok I'll wrap this rubbish rambling up now... On a slightly serious note...
My time away was a much needed one, always refreshing to be honest. I can't guarantee I will ever keep up with social media the same as I used to, but until another "deactivating" fit creeps up I will try to get my weird shit out there. I can tell you I won't be posting as much shameless selfies (if any) as I used to, goodness forbid I even torture the bathroom mirror with the sight of me when I get out of the shower, so enjoy the pics of me that I currently have up cuz that's all ya getting. I can guarantee more weirdness and self-deprecating humor to come out of my mouth, errr keyboard. 
I will always be a weirdo geek, I will always say and do what I want without any mind for how it makes me look. It does sound pathetic considering I'm getting older and should grow the fuck up, and I know I've said this on many occasions but as long as I am not purposely trying to hurt anyone else's feelings, then I will still do it. I'm not always fuckin sunshine, fluffy clouds and rainbows, goodness even I have my limits, but I do try my best not to bring anyone else down around me when I'm having a moment.
I think I'm just fuckin talking in circles so I'll end this now....
Thanks for reading... *hugs*

Oh yeah wait!
I love this filter! The only thing I would have liked different would have been a better distinction between the brown/blonde color in my hair I see the half split a little but the yellow blended in.
Dust! Anime me!!!! I might have to get this filter for myself.

Taking a break again

<-- This image made me laugh... mainly because it pretty much sums up exactly what I have done here. Kidding of course cuz I've been back for a bit now.
I will be honest, I'm one of those that scroll around on the feed and don't "like" anything. Or I can go a couple days without logging on and then finally when I do, some people get a spam wall of me liking old shit that makes me look like a fuckin' creeper. Well I know a lot of people do this too. But I've been mainly going on and watching "reels" lately. They make me laugh.
I've taken breaks many times before and obviously I come back. This time is no different. Well maybe it is. I have left before because I struggled with shit and detachment was the only way I could keep my sanity. The latest break lasted about a year and a half. That time away was good for me, I did a lot. 

I feel like breaks every-so-often is necessary. Social media can be toxic. It sucks because the ones that don't seek out or contribute to the negativity are the ones that usually feel they need a break. Does it mean I'm a weak, crybaby bitch that I can't ignore the bullshit out there? A simple fix is not to completely leave but just cut back and not open the app every time. Or not to deactivate, but just delete the apps from your phone. Unfortunately for me that's not possible. If I know the account is active, I will find some way to get on and poke around. I've said it before, I often feel nosey when I do specifically go to people's pages to see what they're up to and end up scrolling and clicking on things. I know everyone one does it and that's the whole point of our profiles, feeds, stories, and photos... we share it publicly with friends and family for them to see what we're up to and hit one of the reaction buttons. No matter how much I tell myself that fact, I just can't help but feel slightly uncomfortable, for lack of a better term, when I do start scrolling. Sometimes the scrolling leads to lurking on places I shouldn't. Then the emptiness creeps up. You can tell me for days not to let things get to me, but I'm human so you're sure as shit it does. But the funny thing is that it bothers me, but then it goes away, and I'm all better. I am super anti-social so you'd figure I could give two shits about any of this and that's true for the most part. My sister says I have ADHD or something. Meh, she might be right, she knows the signs and shit and apparently it entails a lot more than what I thought ADHD deals with. 
Anywhos, way off topic there...

I am a part of 3 FB groups. 2 World of Warcraft and 1 Sumo. They are super active and most of my feed are of the group member's postings. When I say "most of my feed" I'm for reals talking like 90%. Actually scratch that, it has a whole shit load of annoying adds too. Then I get my friend's posts as minimal as it is. So I'm sifting through a lot of crap before I get to anything meaningful. I mean not "crap" cuz the group's posts I love. I love my WoW stuff, and since I'm not playing it right now, it makes my heart happy to see all the screen shots and reading what others are doing ingame fills my heart with such joy! ha! And of course I'm obsessed with Sumo so my sumo group puts a sumo sized smile on my face as well. Thankfully I can get my fixes for WoW and sumo on youtube. But anywhos, my point to that rambling was that despite all the good things that I choose to see on my feeds, the crap also seeps in. Yes there's negative, disgruntled, spiteful, ignorant people in all those groups and reels. I always foolishly read them forgetting that some people suck. 
I'm gonna stop now because I'm sounding more and more like a someone I'd wanna slap the shit out of for complaining so much.

So to end this, I'll take my break in a day or two. I know I always say I'll keep up with this blog, but I can't guarantee that as most of my time has been taken up by work and school, and the rest is staying home being anti-social just how I like it. I'm sure I'll update things every now and again on this blog or my other ones. And I'm sure my break won't be as long as the last time.

Happy New Years Everyone! Stay weird and be safe!

What has Skully been up to?

Hello everyone who decided to click on that link.
The following might be a little too much sharing just FYI. If you know me, you know I love to read about people's stories, I would love to read of my friend's lives. I love to read biographies of people past and present. I know FB and IG you get a little taste of the lives we lead, but it's only brief and mostly in pictures. I am a sucker for a person's information (no, not your fuckin' SSN and internet passwords) and knowledge and the reasons why things happen in their lives. Maybe I should have took up Psychology instead of Surgical tech. Anywhos, off track... so yeah, the following will be me sharing. I'll try to throw some weird pictures, cuz what's a Skully blog without some weird shit thrown in there.

Activating both FB and IG at 3am this morning stirred up quite a bit of lovely post comments and PMs askin' where the hell I've been and what I've been doing for the past year and a half. For those interested in knowing in semi detail, I will tell you. But seriously nothing really interesting happened.

I guess the main reason why I left all my social media (and friends) behind was to work on myself. I deactivated a bit after my latest relationship took a dump. Yes again, and yes in the same fashion as the first one. Don't feel bad for me, I do it to myself. I've come to terms with understanding it's my fault I don't keep anyone's attention, I'm a loner and I'm oblivious to any signs that gets thrown my way indicating any kind of loss of interest, meh, it is what it is. They find someone else to fill that spot, I don't argue and fight, I just say "rajah!"... just gotta let it go. But that just goes to show balls might be lacking somewhere on them, because an actual conversation or forewarning of finding someone else on thier part never seems to come up... I'd like to think of it like "they are so nice, to think of my feelings, and that because I am such a sweetheart that they didn't want to hurt my poor little feelings" LMAO... my ass!, fuckin bullshit right. Alright enough of that shit...

So that started my small kine spiral. I had to run back to my Daddy... Pops, Aunty Patty, and Dustyn took my sad ass in. I felt so defeated, gone was the days of my independence, or partial because I did live with the ex. I know it's not a bad thing I came back to family, I really do, because a lot of people still live with their parents, If you tell me yeah well those people are in their 20s I'm gonna slap the shit out of you, fuckin jerks lol, I fuckin pay rent OK!. I know I'm a lost cause trying to climb out of this hole I've dug myself into just shy of covering it with dirt. But honestly, I love living with them. When I lived with my ex I could count on one hand how much times I saw them. That is over a year period. I worked fulltime and the time I was off I spent it with the ex. He hated driving across town, and we had the same days off and he wanted to not spend it in the car. So I spent that time with him. That is one of many regrets, not visiting them more during that time. But look, It worked out, I see then every fuckin day and I love it! My favorite thing to do is watch Sumo with pops, when there isn't tournaments I'll hang with him and watch sumo match analysis, or old tournaments. I'm currently trying to make the Yokozuna's belt as a necklace. I'm having trouble with the five Shide (lightning bolts) that hangs down, they keep fuckin breaking, I'll figure it out.
The pic insert is my favorite Yokozuna Asashoryu with the belt I'm tryin to make.

Dust started to paint, he paints on glass panes. I have 2 Anime pictures that he says he messes up on but I love them. He said he messed up on the shading and I didn't want him to just toss them so of course I'll take them. 

And my Aunty Patty time is spent mostly eating all the stuff she makes... Um yeah, be jealous... well not really because I'm not losing weight... LOL J/K it's not because she makes all the yummy deserts. It's because I'm just fat and I love to eat them ALL!!!! not gonna lie there.
I put a pic of her cake popsicle creation

Alright let's move this on...
A couple months past, Covid hit and the shut down happened. I work at Bally's. And since moving to Vegas I've always wanted to work in a casino, the cage to be exact. Hey man, it's Vegas, casino job, that's job security right there right... hmm, nope! Fuuuuuuck this. More depression sets in. Gotta do something productive... never happends. The only productive thing that happened was eating, and playing World of Warcraft. Playing WoW IS productive mind you. My good friend Crystal reached out to me during that time to check up on me, she's so fuckin sweet. I will always thank and credit her for lighting the fire under my ass about this school thing. I had no direction in life and apparently staying in the casino industry was not wise to bank all my chips on. During all the Covid shit you hear of all the Healthcare workers, who are pretty much risking their own lives to help others that have fallen ill to covid. No vaccine and they go to work and help the ill... If that is not super fuckin inspiring then I really don't know what is. Anyone in the healthcare industry has a very important job no matter that they do. It

didn't take long to figure out what the fuck I wanted to. I knew I wanted to do something with surgeries. I'm not smart enough, or willing to take on a huge ass student debt that I'm sure I won't pay off before I fuckin die, to be a surgeon, so I decided on a Surgical Tech. I inquired at a school, and said OK. To be honest, If Unemployment and Stimulus checks had not come, I would not have enrolled. If anything good came out of my last relationship it gave me the opportunity to get completely out of credit card debt, and I will thank him for that. So all the money I was able to get from the shutdown I put towards my schooling. 
After the lockdown, and Ballys opened back up I lost my fulltime status and hours. SOOOooooo looks like enrolling in school was a smart thing to do huh. I mean aside from continuing your education is always a smart thing to do... Sadly I am old and I really wish I had more direction earlier in my life. Aside from my teacher, I am the oldest in my class lol. Oh yeah and because I catch on quick, get straight As, I run some study groups, and when in class I try to help my classmates come up with the answers instead of just blurting out the answers myself, my teacher said my school is hiring for teachers and asked if I'd be interested in teaching Medical Assisting there... tempting, but I do have an end goal, and teaching isn't it.

So that brings us to today, and the end of my social media boycott. I'm in a better place in my head. I struggle with this fuckin shit show of a life I've created for myself, as I'm sure everyone does. Some are way better and equipped to dealing with it. People have shoulders to go to. I don't have a shoulder. I know my friends tell me to just come to them, but I don't. I have a very full bottle. Writing these blogs helps me relive some of the pressure building up. I don't verbally talk to people about it, but this is my outlet. It's more concrete I guess, and I fully understand it is public, and I'm completely OK with the fact everyone can read and judge me if they feel the need to. If you ever read any of my other blogs, you can clearly see I don't give a shit. I say what I want and I do what I want. And it helps me and that's all that matters really.

And to end this... I told you I needed to add some weird shit in here, I mean aside from my whole ramblings if anyone sat through it all LOL... Here is the Godzilla shark... 300 million years old fossil found in New Mexico and he finally gets an official name a couple days ago "Dracopristis hoffmanorum"... See I give educational shit in my posts too!

Holy Crap look what I just found on the interwebs....
I guess I'll be "journaling" more lol. But my handwriting is shit so I guess more internet blogging will be happening. Well aside for the "RL" blog, I have my others that are full of random ramblings that I'll prolly be doing more then this one. As random topics pop into my head and my opinions accumulate I tend to write about it... Should I have gone into creative writing or something?... Shit stop!! ok bye...

I Copy/pasted the below... pretty interesting!

If anyone does decide to pick this "journaling" thing up and make it public, send me a link to it, know that someone would love to read about your fascinating stories.

___________________________

Journaling for Mental Health

When you were a teenager, you might have kept a diary hidden under your mattress. It was a place to confess your struggles and fears without judgment or punishment. It likely felt good to get all of those thoughts and feelings out of your head and down on paper. The world seemed clearer.

You may have stopped using a diary once you reached adulthood. But the concept and its benefits still apply. Now it’s called journaling. It's simply writing down your thoughts and feelings to understand them more clearly. And if you struggle with stress, depression, or anxiety, keeping a journal can be a great idea. It can help you gain control of your emotions and improve your mental health.

Journaling benefits     

One of the ways to deal with any overwhelming emotion is to find a healthy way to express yourself. This makes a journal a helpful tool in managing your mental health. Journaling can help you:

• Manage anxiety

• Reduce stress

• Cope with depression

Journaling helps control your symptoms and improve your mood by:

• Helping you prioritize problems, fears, and concerns

• Tracking any symptoms day-to-day so that you can recognize triggers and learn ways to better control them

• Providing an opportunity for positive self-talk and identifying negative thoughts and behaviors

When you have a problem and you're stressed, keeping a journal can help you identify what’s causing that stress or anxiety. Once you’ve identified your stressors, you can work on a plan to resolve the problems and reduce your stress.

Second and last attempt at online dating

Oh boy... ok, I think before I publish this I gotta go back and read my other one from several years ago.
Ugh, why do I even bother. I dont like people, I dont trust people, and I'm shallow.
I'm not a tease and I don't lead them on or anything, but because I'm so guarded and I'm used to guys lying to me I don't put much effort into keeping their attention.  They may have the same hangups as I do, but I'll never really know because I dont ask. And especially off a dating website, you know they talk to multiple people at the same time. Youre not special. However I find it difficult to do so, so this last time I started talking to one person, and hid my profile right after and just contunue text for the next few days. I lost interest, and so did the guy. But I really dont feel like unhiding my profile. Such a waste of time and effort. I might have just wanted to find another bang buddy, but then got worried about all these fuckin gross STDs floatin' around.
Dating anyone is not for me I guess. It's not the boring one partner forever stuff, that, I dont care about. It's just that I have certain routines. I dont like to deviate from them. In the last 4 years, besides family, I let one person disturb that. I met him on the same dating website. Was never anything committed, but If he was a bit more responsible and not lazy, I wouldnt have minded keeping him around and putting more effort into an actual relationship. I am shallow, he was cute, not very bright, but a good looking boy.
It's hard when you find someone with the same issues as you. Neither of you trust the other, and it never works. You both tell the truth, but you both also don't believe the other IS telling the truth. Its a vicious circle and no one wins. This is how difficult I am... I like when the guy initiates decent conversation, I dont text first, because I'm not needy, I dont ask alot of questions because I'm not nosey. And it sucks big time if I find the same person like me... damn we're screwed.

=just read the other entry, I wrote it 2014, it was written in my "random topics" blog=

Too much sharing? oh well

Karma:
I have a friend, and no that is not cover for "me", who shared some interesting feelings that resembled a hell of a lot of how I feel and how I've lived my "love" life.
Love, pshaw, if you can call it that.
She felt like she was doomed to be alone. Karma has caught up with her is how she put it. I don't think in this case its Karma though. I don't really know what it is. She feels like she will never find anyone who will love her and only her because of the things shes done before.  And to be honest, that's how I felt. While she's sharing the things she did in the past I can't help but to see a lot of myself in her. I'm older then her so I've racked up a bit more body count then she, but nonetheless... similar. There are differences between us though, she has 2 kids from the only actual relationship she's ever had and till this day she has accepted her so-called Karma. I have not accepted mine. Or maybe I like to tell myself that I can change and settle down, but in actuality, I can't and will never.

I started out in a situation where the other guy had several other girls. No lies from the beginning, everything was laid out from the beginning, the other girls knew about the other girls and it was ok. With it being my first I thought this is what was the norm and like with every girl was made to feel like you were the "special one" so I couldn't figure out why I wasn't enough. It wasn't a relationship by far, but I was loyal because it was the first person that wanted to bang me. Goodness forbid at the time I couldn't think why anyone would. My loyalty didn't last very long, He thought I was loyal but like you do... strayed. Why should I be loyal if he aint?. Eventually ended when a new girl came along that was able to get him to marry her. No problem, then you leave. Guy after guy, no attachment, no feelings came easy. Sadly the no attachment for me came at the expense of the guy's other halves (with the exception of some married couples I've been with). They cheated and I was the one they cheated with. I was the perfect person for their infidelity. I caused no drama, I don't get attached, I'm not needy, I don't ask for anything more, I was very discreet, I never text first, there's pretty much nothing I wouldn't do sexually, but mainly I didn't care about their girlfriends. Deep down I think I did. I was a good listener. I listened to them talk about their relationship problems. All while thinking how much of a loser asshole this person is that they don't have the balls to break anything off and spare the girls the heartache of finding out that their guys are dipping their dick in another pussy. Disgust started to creep up, but I still continued with what I was used to. Play shrink and get paid by sex is how I saw it. As much as guys say they want to just come over and hang, chat and no sex involved, do they think they were pulling the wool over my eyes? I say ok knowing that im getting laid. I was ok with knowing that they thought I was stupid just as long as I got my way as well.
My first (and only) relationship started off with conversation and not sex like the usual. I was flattered that someone wanted to actually talk to me, get to know me, and not focus on the physical part. It was nice, it was different. Foreign to me but nice nonetheless. That relationship lasted a good 5 or 6 years. I even moved away from home for him. I was done. I was done looking for anything else. I never saw myself not with him for the rest of my life. Relationships have problems, ours did but nothing I thought was major. We never actually fought. I never saw a need to. Id get angry when the bank account would be negative because he withdrew 400 to pay for the weed habit before an auto bill pay. but we never really argued about it. I hated his weed habit. He hated my World of Warcraft habit, which is fuckin hilarious because he's the one who introduced me to the game. I was my heaviest Ive ever been in 8 years. I hated the way I looked, I hated going places, I hated my body so I even hated having sex, because aside from showering, you have to get naked for that. He'd want me to go out with him to his friends houses to hang out, but I'd always hate to go. Them just sitting around smoking weed, I really wasn't interested in sitting in a smoke filled living room. I have friends who smoke and I don't knock it. Just respect the fact that I don't like it, it stays away from me and were just peachy. I love them no less. The more he goes out across town, the more and more I put 2 and 2 together. So I did what I do best, and eye for an eye. Sadly that experience was so not worth a cheat imo. Aunt back home got sick, I went back for 2 weeks and when I got back, The new girl was moved in and all my stuff was out, no warning. Not even my phone calls while I was away indicated anything of the sort. Oh well that's life right.
 /gut punch
... aye I dont like this entry. ima pause here.
_____________________________________
The above was written: 8/30/16
restart entry: 7/9/17
Geez I angrily shared so much last year, and yet not even everything, how can I not continue this and post it...
Actually it won't continue as a hurt, angry entry, but more so a final word of a better acceptance of the cards I've been dealt.
I understand there's noone out there that will compliment me fully. No one out there that feels that I'm worth trying for. So I wont try anymore. You always hope there is, but deep down you been with so much people that disappoint you in some way or another, you just give up. Keep to yourself. Take care of yourself. Family and a handful of close friends is all that matter. You will always hope you'll find someone that wont be a lying fuckin cunt douche that you can tolerate for more then 2 seconds, but does that person really exist for me? nope, because I will always see guys as such. Because its what I'm used to... thats the norm.

Hawaii Vacation/Dustyn Graduation

In 2 days I fly back home. Little Brother Dustyn graduates from High School. Very Proud of him. This Fall he's going to be attending UNLV. I'll try not to smother him and go down there and stalk him and make sure he's OK. Kidding, I know he'll be fine. Sadly I won't see him much when I go back home due to Project Graduation timing against my flight. Its Ok, like I said I'll see him later in the year.

This time I'm going under happier circumstances versus my last trip back home. I know this was a long time ago, and one would think it has been so long get the fuck over it. I am over it, but it will still live with me. Still live with the fact that someone could actually do the shit that happened to me. When you come back to all your shit taken out of your own room and drawers, replaced with some other chicks clothes and bath stuff, you'd freak the fuck out too. No warning, not even a courtesy call saying "it's definitely over, I'm fucking someone else now, and I moved her in". So devastating.  Anywhos, on the upside, That was the best thing that happened to me. I was kicked out, I learned to support myself. Gained my independence, I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to deal with anyone's bullshit. Well the point to telling that little story was simply that although I know I don't have anyone here to do that shit to me again, it still is the last memory I had of leaving Vegas and coming back to something unbelievably chicken shit that it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. All I gotta think is, That ain't gonna happen this time. It will be a good trip, and I will come back to my life in tact, nothing would be changed, and my heart not ripped out of my chest, threw on the ground and pretty much pissed on.

Alright Back to normal shit. I don't leave for another couple of days. I'm trying to put together an itinerary, but don't have anything down solid. My diet will go to shit during the next week. So much food I want to eat. So much places I wanna go to, just to see whats changed. Several months ago I thought I wanted to try good Hawaiian Food places I've never eaten before. Then recently I thought, meh, I don't really give a shit. I wanna go back to the places I KNOW I like, places that I miss since moving here. Um Fuckin Zippys and Foodland Poke is at the top of my list.  And just hang out and see what the hell more has changed.

I wont let the change of home bother me as much as it did the last time I went back. I am fully expecting it this time. I'm fully aware that  they're "touristing" the place up. It's not really my home anymore anyways. My home is Vegas. The Whities can have Hawaii...
FUCKIN KIDDING!!!

Remembering home stuff

I started to write this one several months ago. I don't exactly know what made me think of reminiscing of home in. I do it often lately though. maybe it's the loneliness I don't know.
My aunty's Japan trip talk made me think of home and the few Japanese things that I grew up around.
One huge thing I remember was the smell of traditional incense. Not that hippy shit you can buy from any smoke shop or walmart. I'm talking about the sticks we used to get from the Hongwanji mission when the reverend from the temple came to pray with us at the house once a month. I remember Grandma telling us. "clean the house, the reverend coming to pray" We'd get our little pillows and kneel down with he and Grandma. I needed to have that smell. in my house, so I googled where to get it. I ordered it and the only thing I lacked was the little pot of ashes that you put the sticks in. because they are full incense and not that shitty ones on the thin sticks, these burn all the way down, you cant just the holders you buy at the store.

With the same incense instance I thought about another smell I was used to.  Fuckin' mosquito punks. The green coils on the thin metal holders on the ground next to the chair you're sitting on outside. Another use for these were lighting fireworks with them. I think was the most brilliant thing ever. It prevented the kids from using matches, or lighters to try to light their fireworks and sparklers. Making sure they were lit when you're outside helping Pops with his chickens was a must.
I know I'm not back home or in Japan for that matter, but I was always brought up to take off your slippers/shoes when you go in a house. I will never understand the outside shoes in the house especially in a house with carpet. I don't know why I can't get used to it. It's dirty. You track dirt, oil, possibly animal shit all over your house, and then after you shower you have clean feet, but you're walking through your dirty house and it gets all over your feet. Although I have friends that don't practice this tradition in their own houses, I do appreciate when my friends come over and they know me, and they respect my house and they automatically take off their shoes. I never ask, but they know me already and they do it for me. I remember when we'd have family gatherings and there would be a crap ton of slippers outside the house on the porch. When I was smaller I'd sit in the doorway and make all the slippers face outwards in the correct pairs. Turns out thats actually what they do in Japan for the purpose of in case they have to run out of the house for safety reasons their slippers are facing the correct way to just step in them and walk away. I think I did it for minor OCD reasons, or the fact that sometimes when you leave your family's house and you never turn on the porch light you end up leaving with one side of someone else s slipper. you don't notice until the next day you step outside. "Why I get aunty's left side purple slippah" ahh good times.
More on the Japanese track, I was thinking what they heck does a zen garden accomplish? does it make you feel at peace to rake sand lines around a rock. Lets try it. Little zen garden came with a little Buddha figure. Meh, it's cute, but too small for any kid of stress relief.
Little Japanese lanterns were too cute to pass up. I was gonna order more, but the outlet plugs won't accommodate the way I wanna string them. cute though.
And finally, every Easter back home I remember buying little chickies with bead eyes and plastic feet. Not one reason to buy them, but decorating my room with baby chicks, Michaels had them on clearance for a dollar. how could I pass that up.

Depression... pshaw!

(draft written 2/28/16)
As of today, this has been the longest my No social media (facebook, Instagram) fit has went on. I don't know if it's hurting or helping me. When I deactivate, it usually lasts no more then 5 days and then I need more candy crush lives, or I need friends to help me unlock to the next level... shut up, I know it's dumb. I don't follow a lot of people on my friends list because it limits the things that I see. I love everyone on my friends list, but don't always agree with the things they post. Like I'm sure people do with me. I'm very opinionated, but I keep my mouth shut 90% of the time. And in the hurting way, it gets lonely. I don't know what everyone is up to, yet it makes me feel nosy when I want to see what my friends are up to, but then I get sad because everyone is so happy with their families. Can't win there. I know I have issues. I'm difficult to get along with and even more difficult to satisfy.

I've always said depression is a choice. A weak choice. You can choose to be depressed or you can get off your ass and get out and do something about it. I watched a TV show where a girl was going through the stages of Depression. I never knew there was such a thing, so I googled it. Why was I not surprised.  This is what I found:

What Is Major or Clinical Depression?

Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
• Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
• Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others)
• Restlessness or feeling slowed down
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
• Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)

Every single fuckin thing on this list in the last few weeks all has run it's course.
I've been unusually drained especially at work. I'm the one that does not stop working, I'm constantly moving from the beginning of my shift to the end. But this last week has not been the same. I noticed it, but didn't associate it with depression. My Insomnia has been going on for a while now. I can't sleep without some kind of sleep aid. I have gained 15 pounds in the last month but I just figured it was because I'm trying to eat all my food in my house so I can just focus on eating ramen and sandwiches and go back to exercising everyday to lose weight. I won't touch on the last one, well just to put people's minds at ease, I do not think about suicide at all... my death, but not intentionally by anything self inflicted. More so that if I died in my house, because I live alone and don't talk to anyone, no one would know until the neighbors would smell my rotting corpse.  I've been getting very irritable with everything. People especially, well that might be my fault... no its not! My hair has not been brushed in 2 weeks. Washed yes, but I have not brushed it. I just wanna cut it. I plan to cut it after I lose the 15 to 20 pounds. Makes sense to have short hair in the summer anyways.

________________________________
(3/6/16)
The previous was written about a week ago. I did have intentions of continuing to put my issues into words however it did make me more depressed actually reading what I was struggling through. It kinda helped me snap out of it actually. I never imagined myself being depressed. That's dumb you can't put Skully and Depressed in the same sentence I always said.
The day following the previous writings was filled with more bad thoughts and me taking every single poster off my walls. Yes even including my WoW posters.
This is how I felt:
I'm gonna be 36, I have no kids, after being dumped on my ass several years ago I have had no relationship since (that's my fault tho. I'm very difficult and I get annoyed easily), I live alone, I have no family near me... Pretty much I felt like I need to grow up and get rid of childish things.

I decided to share all that because I know I'm not the only one I know who has these types of feelings. It's not full blown depression or anything, I can't. It's just not possible. This is my logic:
I do too much bubbly ridiculous things to ever spiral downward. I try for the silly, goofy, dare I say idiotic actions over mature ones. I don't care if I look dumb, I don't care if people think I'm stupid, I'll be the first to say that about myself. I don't care what people think about me. I don't have important opinions and I sure as shit don't make smart decisions. I'm crazy to put it in simpler terms I guess.
Anyways enough of this self deprecating bullshit, and lets talk about stuff that I'm doing to just try to live the rest of life on this planet cheery and stress free. The biggest stress in my life was money issues. I fuckin love money, who doesn't. If you don't, you're a fuckin liar! I'm kidding, no I'm not... you ARE a liar. My spending habits in my early 20's were fricken horrible, credit cards, buying what ever I wanted, not fully understanding how it all works. Yeah I lived a sheltered life. Lived at home till 27. I had my Daddy to protect me. Not fully understanding what it was like to fend for myself until I moved out. Actually no, until I was kicked out after I was dumped. That's when I got that "life slap in the face". I pay my own bills (err besides my phone. Thanks Mommy!!) I love Credit Karma(its a free app) because it tells you how you can fix your credit, and sure enough I did what it suggested and lets just say, I'd get approved for anything now.
But anyways enough money talk, wait what? no never!!! money money money... ok stop!
I'd say my days off are the worst for me. I don't have people around me when I'm not at work. My co-workers make me laugh, they give me human interaction. Even though I feel shitty inside, just being around them makes me feel better. Today was the first day off in a long time I actually enjoyed myself. I initially wanted to go down to The Orleans and watch movies, but it was so cold and windy outside I decided against it.  As you can see from the video I posted on Facebook, it was a "happy fat girl day" today.  
Made a cake with random junk shoved in it, and since I spent my day in the kitchen I decided to put my TV on the bar(pic). Faced it in the kitchen when I cooked and then turned it to the living room when I chilled on the couch. Watched Chikara wrestling DVDs all day. I love that promotion, I wish they came to Vegas. Or I wish I lived in PA.
And I played with Baby Dinosaur. I let her run around the house without her ball for a bit. She had fun exploring.
So to end this, I'm getting better, and I'll continue to get better. I shared my depressive feeling with a friend and was told to try to snap out of it. Do the things that I like to do. Pretty much don't suppress who I am just because I feel like I need to grow up. No one wins there. I won't be happy and if no one else appreciates that then fuck em. Just focus on yourself.

my no bday excuse

It's really not me trying to be a Debbie Downer, but birthdays aren't an extremely big deal for me., especially since leaving Hawaii and all my family. Birthdays back home consisted of the closest Sunday to your birthday Daddy making steaks on the grill and on the day of your birthday, Aunty Patty would always make whatever dinner you wanted. And Aunty Eileen and Aunty Karen coming down on those Sundays. More so Aunty Karen because her Birthday comes on the day following mine so we would always celebrate it together. I do miss those days. and I do miss my family back home.
I felt bad that my boss felt bad for not giving me the day off. It was totally fine. If I wanted the day off I would have requested it. Birthdays don't just pop up out of nowhere where I would have "forgot" to request off. Sadly one thing with me is that my job comes before anything. If I requested off, that would have messed with other manager's routine schedules. I hardly request any days off, I don't vacation anywhere, I schedule appointments around my work shifts. The last time I missed a shift was when I pulled my calf other then that if I'm feeling like death, I still make it to work.
If I had family here or someone to share days off with, maybe I would take advantage of time off requests, but I don't. But just because technically I'm alone, I try not to show that I'm a miserable mess. I still smile, and talk to people, and laugh, and to be honest the way that we treat others is all that really matters. Is my way of thinking wrong when I say that just as long as you treat others with respect and care about others it doesn't matter what you struggle with behind closed doors? Everything else in this world is bigger then the crap we deal with in our own lives. So if you can make a difference in someone else's day and put a smile on their face, then why not do it, no matter how depressed you are.
What sparked this entry was the "aww why not, it's your birthday" that came from a friend simply asking why I wasn't doing anything for my birthday. I don't get upset or sad when people say that, but I feel the slight pity, behind their words. lol Birthdays are just another reminder that I'm getting old and I have nothing to show for it. Well besides my weirdness. And I'm awesome :-)

No Smoking Skully! REALLY!?!?!?!?

Why didn't I ever get these! Chinese cigarettes

The longest I've went without a cigarette in a while might have been just a couple of days. I will post this in 7 days. I'm going to track how I'm feeling or what happens every day in those 7 days. I'll post this even though I don't make it that far. I might be jinxing myself because I've said I'd quit many times before, obviously it never stuck. I didn't make it widely known, I think just mainly for the people I work with, only because they constantly will have to hear me bitch and complain.
I started smoking in high school in 9th grade. I started because I thought it was cool, The kids I wanted to get in with were doing it so I needed to as well. I am slightly ashamed I indeed was a follower. My dad smoked so it was easy access for me. He'd buy them by the cartons. "Eh girl, go get me a pack" so I'd get one for him, and sneak one for myself. He caught on, but never said anything. A couple of years ago I told him what I did and he said he knew when he was going through them so fast. But honestly if I knew he knew what I was doing, that wouldn't have stopped me from smoking. Allowance money would be given to friends who would go buy them from the manapua truck. It's rather sad how easy kids can get things that have an age limit to buy. It goes the same with alcohol. But anywhos...

5/11/15
Talked with Mom tonight and I smoked my last cigarette in my pack @ 8pm. I thought I had another pack in my freezer. Freaked out when I realized that I didn't. Paced around my apartment "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine". Even though I don't crave a cigarette at the time, just knowing that I don't have any smokes, drives me nuts to the point of a panic attack as dumb as that sounds.
Yes I do have my vape which unless I'm working, its with me constantly. I always said it's not the nicotine I'm addicted to... It's the habit, the habit of going outside and getting out my lighter and having the flame light the end of my cigarette. Taking that first drag and ignoring the silent cries of my lungs. The fact that I'm slowly killing myself never crosses my mind when I feel relief and actual joy from smoking a cigarette.

5/12/15
Went out with Shannon today. Wanted to see how I felt. If I needed to stop off at the store to buy some smokes the opportunity was there. I did good and resisted. But I think hanging with someone that doesn't smoke anymore and no work stress had a lot to do with it. Back to work tomorrow. First day of an actual challenge. We'll see how that goes. Interesting fact I read, E-Cigarette Use Triples Among U.S. Teens in 1 Year. Come on! the teens are high school kids you know are doing it for trend reasons. Not to satisfy nicotine cravings. Oh and another headline I read from an article posted back in April. Hawaii may raise it's smoking age to 21. Personally I don't give a crap what age they try and raise it to. Kids will find a way to get it no matter what.

5/13/15
First day of work without a cigarette went well. 8 hours constantly working was the key. It's my breaks and lunches that are the killer, so I eliminated those and I was fine. Funny thing is that the time I spend smoking is the time I spend playing Candy Crush haha. So I'm not really playing it as much as I was previously. Damn addicting game. My worry is that I will replace cigarettes with food. Less trips to my balcony will be replaced with more trips to the fridge.

5/14/15
I sleep with my vape. I'm fine, I'm fine. on the plus side when people ask me for a cigarette and I tell them I don't have one, I'm actually not lying. Support your own habit. If you're too broke to buy your own then you shouldn't be smoking. If you're not buying smokes because you're trying to quit but still ask someone for a cigarette, you don't really want to quit. That way isn't for you. Ugh. I notice my normal routines are being disrupted. My routine at home. Play WoW take a break, smoke a cigarette. New routine I guess... play WoW, play WoW, play WoW. haha

5/15/15
I was preparing myself for this. 3rd and the 4th nights usually come with a hard time breathing while I'm trying to go to sleep. I have to breathe heavy to get a full breath of air in my struggling lungs. I don't panic, I always expect it. And it does go away. Its happy lungs but it's not used to not having tobacco smoke filling it every day. On the bright side, I wake up with better breath. In the next couple of days I will wake up sounding like I'm hacking up a lung... all that gross phlegm is gonna make it's way out, eww I know, but hey, I said I was gonna explain the process right. hehe. As much as I'm putting on a strong front in public, a personal secluded struggle is real. As much as it hits hard at work, it's 10x worse at home when I have very little activities to occupy my once frequent habit. Less people to interact with results in me focusing on the fact that I don't have cigarettes. Some people can be social smokers and only smoke when they go out to drink and have a cigarette to accompany it. Maybe I should reduce down to that, and not FULLY quit. :-/

5/16/15

of course I had to put a vape selfie in there.

Taking long pauses trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't have cigarettes is becoming more frequent. Fighting the urge to buy a pack is really taking a toll on my will power. My vape is helping a lot. I've stopped mixing my 0's with 12's and just been using my 16's. In a week I've had to change my coil twice and switch out my battery three times. Thank goodness for having 2 batteries because I'd go nuts. Tomorrow night technically will not be a full week without a cigarette but I will post this after I write tomorrow. I know I can make it to a full week because today is my Friday! and I'll be a hermit the next 2 days. So the worst thing is I can go insane and have the worst of my withdrawals happen. I have a cigarette box rubbish drawer on my balcony. If it gets bad, I can see myself digging in those empty boxes trying to find at least one cigarette I might have accidentally left in a box.
Work: My patience was growing thin today. I know I've been frustrated far worse at work then how I was tonight, but the difference is I had my cigarettes to turn to to calm down. I didn't have that option tonight. Little things were bothering me that normally I can deal with. Went to get the mail after work and a lady was coming out of the mail room. She picked up her lit cigarette she left outside the door and I could smell the sweet sweet tobacco smoke in the air. I had to compose myself. Made me realize that was actually the closest I've been to cigarette smoke since the last night I had one myself. Tuesday's trip to the Orleans I didn't even come close to someone smoking. Yeah I could smell it, but duh, it's a casino, the smell is everywhere.

5/17/15
Last day of this entry

This is my main motivation. I was literally burning my money.

I'm normally nice to people so if I snapped at anyone or showed more frustration then normal I'm sorry. I don't blame the no smoking on it, but I found myself really having to concentrate on not being a bitch with certain people. On the mucho plus side I saved 40 bucks this week!!!!! Fuck yeah! well $36 to be exact. $12 for 2 packs of smokes from Fills(and a free lighter each time) and I go about every other day. Geez that's about a pack a day.
I was able to make it through a week of no cigarettes it wasn't fully cold turkey because of my vape, but as far as an actual cigarette, I have had none. I've made it this far might as well not fall off the wagon. The day that I can go without having to keep telling myself that "I don't need a cigarette" is when I've won. Until then, I will have to deal with it my own way.
Now just because I've stopped smoking cigarettes doesn't mean I'ma shove tobacco free shit down your throat. I'm not gonna go around frowning upon active smokers, and preaching a healthy tobacco free life. I fuckin hated it when people did it to me, so I wouldn't think to do it to others. It's a lifestyle choice, and one I've loved and gotten joy from for so many years. It provided me with comfort and calmness for all of my adult(if you can call it that) life. It helped me through sad times, times when it felt like my life was falling apart and I'd never climb out. So Thank you Cigarettes for that.
If I don't fall off the wagon, I will miss the shit out of it. Cigarettes will always have a special place in my heart and permanently in my lungs with the damage that it's already done.

Not too sure what this was saying, but it made me giggle. Giving BJ's are not rubbish!

Box of lighters. I've lost and gave away so many more.

This chart I found doesn't reflect me considering I still am getting my nicotine fix

. but it was interesting.

Cigarettes, I love you!