Im not gonna sugar coat anything and try to hide shit on this one..
I might be struggling with life.
With everything, personal and school life is a shit show.
I am not equipped to get though any of this. I know im drunk when im writhing this and all Im telling myself to do is edit the typing in the morning and then post it. I think its a better way for me get shit out on a level that is for reals. It might be just a way for me to know how I think when im drunk off my ass. so much shots of vodka has been had.
In the beginning it hides everything. gets rid of the feelings of all my issues, and just makes me feel good. like nothing fucking matters like my life isnt a shit show, when in actuality it is very much just that... a FUCKIN' shit show.
Im procrastinating on so much stuff for school. It might be the end of my time here, but I will push through. I have a few friends that I'm not communicating as well as I should and immersing myself into World of Warcraft more then I really should. but fuck it, they know how I am and they still like me so thats a good thing I guess.
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oh boy... the above was written back on Dec. 29, 22
I still have my bouts of depression popping up every so often, and I think it might stem from school. It's just really not what I had expected you know. Clinicals is a shit show... not the job itself, I guess the atmosphere where me and 2 other of my classmates are. I don't know. I think as far as being students at a hospital doing your clinicals, there should be more of a support system with the teaching and the school instructors being more active with the students... but we don't get that at the hospital we're at. The school instructors pretty much just dumped us off and said "fuck you, figure it out". We have no guidance and when one of the students actually reaches out to the instructor, they don't respond for several days, or even at all. They are very good at letting the students know that they don't give a fuck... They're just in it to take your money and let you sink. I don't reach out to any of them because that whole school is a fuckin hot mess complaining cluster fuck. Even people on the administrating side complains about the school to the students... fuckin professional right! It brings me down so much, and every day I wonder if I made the right decision. Of course I'm not giving up, Im gonna get through this, get my degree, get certified and I'll figure out the rest later. I should be more focused on this but in the given situation, It's so hard to get motivated. And I know that's where my depression stems from.
Along with the depression from school, my weight is a huge issue for me. And with that comes even more depression. And when I get depressed, I eat and the cycle never stops. The only thing that brings me joy is playing world of warcraft. But since I'm trying to be not completely anti-social, I've joined guilds for interaction and conversation, but get stressed out and depressed when drama happens and then I leave. You can tell me for days not to let things bother me, but I can't help it.
My depression is not to the point of ever hurting myself. I really don't have it bad to the point where ending my life would be the only option for me. I'm always hopeful that things will get better and I'll get through this. I would never accept the "depressed" label, until family would keep asking. And then they would stop asking and they just flat out told me "You're depressed" plain and simple. Ohhh boy and at that point I'd get real defensive. I hated that word... it wasn't denial in my eyes, I really could not fathom the idea of ever being depressed... but I started doing research of the actual condition and it made me even more depressed to know that the signs are there. My actions, feelings, thoughts... are all that of a person suffering from depression. Trying to hide it is not fixing it. Trying to put that superficial coat on of smiles and cracking jokes all the time is a temporary fix. It's more for people around me. You don't bring down others if you're struggling with shit. Struggle by yourself is how I see it. And I do it damn well. But sometimes I do slip and tell people more then what I should. And then I kick myself, because embarrassment sets in... More so because I'm fuckin getting older and I have no life, I have nothing to really live for, no kids, no relationship, no career, I smoke and I drink until all of that shitty life reality fades away and I enjoy the numbness I feel physically and emotionally. Oh yeah and then being told that alcoholism runs in our family doesn't really seem to sink in. That part I'm not in denial, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't have a problem. drinking every day until you're shit faced does not make one an alcoholic... right? I drink by myself, where no one will see or hear hurtful shit if it ever would come spewing out of my mouth. I doubt it, I think I'm a fun drunk person.
I initially wrote this to help my process... maybe typing while I was drunk was gonna make me realize, what the fuck are you doing with your life!??!?! but it's really only making me more depressed, knowing that someone, even me, is struggling with this alone is super sad. No support system, refuse to talk to friends or family no matter how much times they tell you "come to me if you need to talk", I've said it before, I don't burden anyone with my dumb issues. I'll deal with it myself. And no I'm not gonna fuckin kill myself... It would be so easy.
