Just Google It.....

 I do this shit all the time...

Why would someone not want to know everything they can? I've said it before, I love encyclopedias and the knowledge about stuff they have in them. I do want to eventually get a full set of the Encyclopedia Britannica. It's hard because they always update and add new stuff. Those suckers are expensive. I know there's the digital version for 80 bucks but it's just not the same. Ugh! so much information!!!
You don't need school to be educated necessarily, all you need is the willingness to learn about things and the internet. Yes yes, but Skully, the internet is full of false and inaccurate information. Well then you just need to stay away from social media and know where to get your information from. I will be honest, I read trash and stuff that I know is loaded with crap information but I always take that with a grain. Be skeptical but also use common sense. I guess it helps when you're so open-minded to everything, and you want to just absorb as much knowledge as possible. Not everyone has the time. I have a lot of time. I mean on a daily basis, not in life in general, I'm getting old and I'll prolly die soon from some health reason or another. But anyways...

So yeah, the internet makes it so easy to just type what you wanna know and you can read shit about it quick, it's really not a new thing. This topic popped in my head today cuz I have been studying for my CST certification exam and as I'm going through the test book, I'm also googling stuff that I wanna know more of... which by the way is slightly not smart because I'm not even half way through this damn book. I get side-tracked A LOT and that's really not good when I'm trying to focus on studying for something specific. I mean it does pertain to what I'm studying so it's not completely terrible, but still. That's where the thirst for knowledge comes in with me. I'm readying a question, and I get the answer right, but I wanna know why. OK, soooo why is a culdocentesis performed for a suspected ectopic pregnancy? and where are we making a surgical puncture?, and what is the fluid we're draining? I'm telling you man, I go off on googling and reading this shit. Or yeah, you use a coude tipped catheter for a urethral stricture... why? why not a normal tipped one?

If you tell me, well you should have learned that in school, ohhh, that's another rant I can (and will) go off on in another entry, but I'll say this here... We didn't really learn much at the school from the teachers we had. Anywhos!
Getting back to my topic. The internet, in general has so much information, if people took the time to read about things on their own and not because they were told to, we'd have so many brilliant people in this world. If they spent more time researching things they'd like to really learn about rather then having their faces glued to social media turning their brains to mush, I can guarantee you, people would be smarter. Not saying that people won't still do dumb stuff. Goodness knows I'm full of dumb shit. Take the time to be a little more eloquent with my words and use proper writing and speaking skills... Nah, I don't know that shit, so obviously I'm not talking about writing and speaking knowledge. I did notice however, in my general ed classes when we had to do our essays, the proper writing skills did come out. I'm not making excuses for my poor grammar and punctuation here, just stating an observation. What I do here is just me typing away how I talk normally. It's funner to go back and read these and giggle to myself. And yes, "funner" is totally a word. google it! just kidding, I don't fuckin know if it is... and I'm not gonna go google it to make sure (ok maybe I just did).  

Did I just veer away from my topic again... kinda... ok bringing it back.
The "want" for the knowledge is what most people lack nowadays. The "I don't care attitude" seems to be all around us. I'm not preaching anything specific but just people's attitudes in general lately. 
Not everyone wants to know about things. I'll be honest, I was like that too. If it wasn't near me or if I wasn't affected by it directly, I didn't care. Yes I still live in my bubble, and yes I still don't like to go out places, but I still have the desire to know what's going on outside my life. And that's a huge reason why the people of the world are the way that they are. They don't take the time to learn about things they don't understand, or new things, or even things they actually have questions about. It's easy to just say fuck it, I don't care. I have those days, but more times then not, I'm opening up a web browser and looking it up myself. Not only reading the first thing that I see, but take from different sources and just soak up everything you can.

I really liked this picture I found. It just reminded me of what I do with things I think about that I wanna look up. My tiny computer desk is always scattered with post-its. I think of something, and if I can't look it up right then there, I write it down and look it up later. When I go out, I always have a little note pad in my bag. I've been utilizing the "sticky note" feature on my computer more because I have terrible handwriting and sometimes can't even read what the frick I wrote. Whatever I have to do to remind myself I guess. 
I have my moments of being fascinated by certain things and wanting to learn more about it. I think I mainly focused on the reading aspect of research, and completely forgot about the wonders of YouTube. I will be honest, I'm a dinosaur and it wasn't until a couple years ago that I really understood that YouTube wasn't just for entertainment and watching people do dumb ass shit, but there is educational stuff on there as well. It's 2am and I'm tired so I'll end this here. ok... ok bye!

Insecurities

 Alright. completely sober when writing this. That last one was interesting to say the least.

I hold onto a lot and bottle shit up. I guess I felt the need to pop the top off just a tad while drunk and see where that put me in the sharing department. It wasn't super shocking to be honest. It wasn't terrible at all considering when my normal brain went over it, I didn't have to delete anything... I swear I didn't. Even if I did I guess you'll never know huh.

Anywhose, although I have the topic for this one picked, it might end up bleeding into the depression category again... You really can't have one without the other in my opinion, or at least I can't. I don't know which is making the other worse.
Is it the fact that I'm depressed so not giving a shit about my health or body anymore is playing on my insecurities?
Or that I have so much insecurities that it's making me depressed and not wanting to do anything.
When I say "not wanting to do anything", I literally mean that. I just want to crawl back in bed, close my eyes and fall asleep. It's easier to do that lately because I've been sick. Which btw is super odd... I don't fuckin get sick. I don't remember the last time I was sick like this. It must have been hella long time ago cuz the medicines I did have was expired for a hot minute. I think sometime last year I had a slight cold but that was over in a couple days.

And with the feeling of wanting to crawl into bed ending up becoming the feeling of never wanting to get out of bed, that's where most of the depression sets in. 
Actually, there's two places most of the bad thoughts flood my head.. In bed and in the shower. I really don't know why those two places fuck with my head so much. haha. Actually I think I know why. The bed because although no one else is in the room with you, when you cry you can pull the blanket over your face and in your head no one else will know or see what happening. 

I'm gonna assume the shower reason is the same for crying. The water washes your tears away. But the bathroom as a whole is the worst for my body insecurities... Naked in the bathroom, looking at the piece of shit staring back at you, wondering how the fuck you let yourself get like this again and really wondering if you can ever undo what you broke. I say broke because I feel I did break everything. I broke my drive to get shit done. I broke the confidence I once found in myself. I broke my rule of never letting that "depressed" label ever be associated with my name. But I broke that several years ago I guess. Feels bad, it really does.

I know I struggle with the way I look now as opposed to how I did several years ago. Catfishy pictures are all I have going for myself right now... kidding, kinda. I've been taking some, but still hate the shit out of them. Gets me more depressed. 

Why don't you just change and do better?
That's easier said than done in my opinion. I try... I try to do things that makes me happy. Puts a smile on my face even if only for a short while. I don't know what will help... Medication? maybe. Will getting on antidepressants help me look past my insecurities? I don't fuckin think so, I don't think they work like that. I'm a hot mess, I know it. No amount of happy pills is gonna fix it. 

Everytime, well like 90% of the time, when I hear from an aunty, she always asks about my love life. And the answer to her is always the same. "I have no interest, I'm gonna die alone". It's partially to make myself feel better about being alone and really it makes me laugh.  But in all seriousness, how can I even think to get into another relationship. Things I hate about myself are manifested 10x in my head and just the thought of my partner seeing and silently agreeing with all my gross insecurities terrifies me. And besides how can I expect someone else to love me if I can't even fuckin love myself.

Depression and life

Im not gonna sugar coat anything and try to hide shit on this one..
I might be struggling with life.
With everything, personal and school life is a shit show.
I am not equipped to get though any of this. I know im drunk when im writhing this and all Im telling myself to do is edit the typing in the morning and then post it. I think its a better way for me get shit out on a level that is for reals. It might be just a way for me to know how I think when im drunk off my ass. so much shots of vodka has been had.
In the beginning it hides everything. gets rid of the feelings of all my issues, and just makes me feel good. like nothing fucking matters like my life isnt a shit show, when in actuality it is very much just that... a FUCKIN' shit show.
Im procrastinating on so much stuff for school.  It might be the end of my time here, but I will push through. I have a few friends that I'm not communicating as well as I should and immersing myself into World of Warcraft more then I really should. but fuck it, they know how I am and they still like me so thats a good thing I guess. 
_______________________________________
oh boy... the above was written back on Dec. 29, 22

I still have my bouts of depression popping up every so often, and I think it might stem from school. It's just really not what I had expected you know. Clinicals is a shit show... not the job itself, I guess the atmosphere where me and 2 other of my classmates are. I don't know. I think as far as being students at a hospital doing your clinicals, there should be more of a support system with the teaching and the school instructors being more active with the students... but we don't get that at the hospital we're at. The school instructors pretty much just dumped us off and said "fuck you, figure it out". We have no guidance and when one of the students actually reaches out to the instructor, they don't respond for several days, or even at all. They are very good at letting the students know that they don't give a fuck... They're just in it to take your money and let you sink. I don't reach out to any of them because that whole school is a fuckin hot mess complaining cluster fuck. Even people on the administrating side complains about the school to the students... fuckin professional right! It brings me down so much, and every day I wonder if I made the right decision. Of course I'm not giving up, Im gonna get through this, get my degree, get certified and I'll figure out the rest later. I should be more focused on this but in the given situation, It's so hard to get motivated. And I know that's where my depression stems from.
Along with the depression from school, my weight is a huge issue for me. And with that comes even more depression. And when I get depressed, I eat and the cycle never stops. The only thing that brings me joy is playing world of warcraft. But since I'm trying to be not completely anti-social, I've joined guilds for interaction and conversation, but get stressed out and depressed when drama happens and then I leave. You can tell me for days not to let things bother me, but I can't help it. 
My depression is not to the point of ever hurting myself. I really don't have it bad to the point where ending my life would be the only option for me. I'm always hopeful that things will get better and I'll get through this. I would never accept the "depressed" label, until family would keep asking. And then they would stop asking and they just flat out told me "You're depressed" plain and simple. Ohhh boy and at that point I'd get real defensive. I hated that word... it wasn't denial in my eyes, I really could not fathom the idea of ever being depressed... but I started doing research of the actual condition and it made me even more depressed to know that the signs are there. My actions, feelings, thoughts... are all that of a person suffering from depression. Trying to hide it is not fixing it. Trying to put that superficial coat on of smiles and cracking jokes all the time is a temporary fix. It's more for people around me. You don't bring down others if you're struggling with shit. Struggle by yourself is how I see it. And I do it damn well. But sometimes I do slip and tell people more then what I should. And then I kick myself, because embarrassment sets in... More so because I'm fuckin getting older and I have no life, I have nothing to really live for, no kids, no relationship, no career, I smoke and I drink until all of that shitty life reality fades away and I enjoy the numbness I feel physically and emotionally. Oh yeah and then being told that alcoholism runs in our family doesn't really seem to sink in. That part I'm not in denial, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't have a problem. drinking every day until you're shit faced does not make one an alcoholic... right? I drink by myself, where no one will see or hear hurtful shit if it ever would come spewing out of my mouth. I doubt it, I think I'm a fun drunk person. 
I initially wrote this to help my process... maybe typing while I was drunk was gonna make me realize, what the fuck are you doing with your life!??!?! but it's really only making me more depressed, knowing that someone, even me, is struggling with this alone is super sad. No support system, refuse to talk to friends or family no matter how much times they tell you "come to me if you need to talk", I've said it before, I don't burden anyone with my dumb issues. I'll deal with it myself. And no I'm not gonna fuckin kill myself... It would be so easy.

I have come crawling back... (Facebook)

Who the fuck thought I died? Ugh if only... 💀💩
Half a year seems like long enough yeah?
But for the ones that didn't notice my ass deactivated ... FYI, I did. 
Part of me feels like it wasn't a long enough break and then the other part of me says meh! just reactivate and spam the shit out of the "like" button on everyone's stuff.
Wait is everything even the same?
Has stuff changed on FB or IG?
Will I be able to figure that shit out?  We'll find out right... I'm kidding of course. I'm sure even a monkey can figure that shit out... Monkeys are smart though, I mean have you seen them peel a banana?!?!?! smart little shits they are!
Anywhos!
Let's see... School, work, home. So much school, not so much work, not enough home. aaaand that's pretty much it!!! ok bye

Kidding, I guess that was a basic description of my life during that little break.

Notice how I didn't add World of Warcraft in there. That's because although I did have an active account, I didn't play as much as I used to. Even now I don't and I would LOVE to say it's because I've emersed myself in my studying but not really though. I had done a couple posts on my WoW blog lately though so I haven't fully not done anything ingame.
So what has replaced my WoW time?

ANIME has taken over a part of my life. I'm not savy in the world of anime yet, but I love it and want more. So much so that I did do a Crunchyroll sub. I remember doing a Nerdcrate box opening video and I got a flyer with a Crunchyroll coup code and I was like "um WTF I don't want this?"... What was I thinking!?!?!? ugh I wanna slap myself now. oh wells. But yeah I 💓 Anime right now. Ugh! why did it take me this long to get into this shit!
I had to start with the current popular ones (Demon slayer, Attack on Titan, My Hero Academia, Jujutsu Kaisen, Death Note and then others Re: Zero, Sword Art Online, Black Butler, Hunter x Hunter, and suggested by Crystal, Tokyo Ghoul, so good LOVE that one so much. Sorry Crystal, I haven't gotten to Dragonball yet... BUT I did start on Naruto. OK I better stop cuz I could go on and on... shit I might make another post JUST about my anime, husbandos and waifus.

Oh and here is a pic of the two latest pieces of glass art I asked Dustyn to make for me!!!
He does such awesome work, and yes he should sell them, but he doesn't take my money, so I just buy him random unnecessary shit from Amazon unbeknownst to him... like I bought him the Attack on Titan sword for cosplayers... LOL why? cuz it looked cool. 

Ok so on that anime note, my love of Japan has creeped the fuck back into my soul. I mean aside from the fact that it runs through my body being half Japanese and all... derp!, but seriously, thoughts of actually moving there is taking up significant space in my heart. Last week, I would like to say out of the blue, but I might have put that notion in Pop's head to actually ask me if I would move there, cuz I was putting labels in Japanese on things. like "nagashi" on the sink or "sentakki" on the washing machine. No matter how much times we watch Sumo, he's never once asked me that. I have bought books, and downloaded apps to help me learn the language, but I have not actually taken the time to really invest in learning Japanese. The decision to learn while I'm in school for Surgical Tech wasn't good timing... HEY! my brain is very small and simple as you all know, I can't fuckin learn a new trade AND a new language at once bruh! who do you think I am? That fuckin' Rosetta Stone chick!?!? no but seriously, I don't have the mental capacity for it right now... When I'm done with school, get settled into the Surg Tech job world, then most likely it would be the time. With all that being said, I would love to move there, but baby steps so of course eventually I will visit in the near future to dip my toes in the whole culture first.

Oh wait! how did that all start? why the fuck do you wanna move out of the US. Is that even a serious question right now? HA! ANYWAYS!!!!

Now that I think about it, I didn't fully leave social media. Cuz it didn't dawn on me until literally this moment, that YouTube is considered "social media" HOWEVER!!! In my defense I watch it on my Roku, and I'm pretty sure it does not utilize the comment section. Cuz if it does, I've never seen it. All I can do from my Roku is watch the fuckin videos and subscribe to the channels. So really the "social" aspect of it all has been completely shot through Roku. SOOoooo... never mind all that rubbish, no social media lives on!
But yeah so where the frick was I going with that, was that along with anime, I've been suckered into the world of youtubers and dare I say influencers. Where did my resurfacing Japan bug come from? I have no clue how I found "Abroad in Japan", maybe from all the sumo content I watch, and the interweb spies said "hey try this shit!" well I did indeed get suckered in. If I were to sum up Abroad in Japan, pretty much it's a channel about travel, food and culture in Japan. And from that spawned a slightly uncontrollable need to consume anything "otaku" related surrounding Chris Broad. For the longest time I have not been willing to add anything to my laundry list of things I watch but majority of the people he is associated with I really enjoyed, they are funny and I am always entertained when I watch their stuff.  Ugh it's so good! I made a chain chart of people I enjoy watching that branched off of that show:

Ok I'll wrap this rubbish rambling up now... On a slightly serious note...
My time away was a much needed one, always refreshing to be honest. I can't guarantee I will ever keep up with social media the same as I used to, but until another "deactivating" fit creeps up I will try to get my weird shit out there. I can tell you I won't be posting as much shameless selfies (if any) as I used to, goodness forbid I even torture the bathroom mirror with the sight of me when I get out of the shower, so enjoy the pics of me that I currently have up cuz that's all ya getting. I can guarantee more weirdness and self-deprecating humor to come out of my mouth, errr keyboard. 
I will always be a weirdo geek, I will always say and do what I want without any mind for how it makes me look. It does sound pathetic considering I'm getting older and should grow the fuck up, and I know I've said this on many occasions but as long as I am not purposely trying to hurt anyone else's feelings, then I will still do it. I'm not always fuckin sunshine, fluffy clouds and rainbows, goodness even I have my limits, but I do try my best not to bring anyone else down around me when I'm having a moment.
I think I'm just fuckin talking in circles so I'll end this now....
Thanks for reading... *hugs*

Oh yeah wait!
I love this filter! The only thing I would have liked different would have been a better distinction between the brown/blonde color in my hair I see the half split a little but the yellow blended in.
Dust! Anime me!!!! I might have to get this filter for myself.

Taking a break again

<-- This image made me laugh... mainly because it pretty much sums up exactly what I have done here. Kidding of course cuz I've been back for a bit now.
I will be honest, I'm one of those that scroll around on the feed and don't "like" anything. Or I can go a couple days without logging on and then finally when I do, some people get a spam wall of me liking old shit that makes me look like a fuckin' creeper. Well I know a lot of people do this too. But I've been mainly going on and watching "reels" lately. They make me laugh.
I've taken breaks many times before and obviously I come back. This time is no different. Well maybe it is. I have left before because I struggled with shit and detachment was the only way I could keep my sanity. The latest break lasted about a year and a half. That time away was good for me, I did a lot. 

I feel like breaks every-so-often is necessary. Social media can be toxic. It sucks because the ones that don't seek out or contribute to the negativity are the ones that usually feel they need a break. Does it mean I'm a weak, crybaby bitch that I can't ignore the bullshit out there? A simple fix is not to completely leave but just cut back and not open the app every time. Or not to deactivate, but just delete the apps from your phone. Unfortunately for me that's not possible. If I know the account is active, I will find some way to get on and poke around. I've said it before, I often feel nosey when I do specifically go to people's pages to see what they're up to and end up scrolling and clicking on things. I know everyone one does it and that's the whole point of our profiles, feeds, stories, and photos... we share it publicly with friends and family for them to see what we're up to and hit one of the reaction buttons. No matter how much I tell myself that fact, I just can't help but feel slightly uncomfortable, for lack of a better term, when I do start scrolling. Sometimes the scrolling leads to lurking on places I shouldn't. Then the emptiness creeps up. You can tell me for days not to let things get to me, but I'm human so you're sure as shit it does. But the funny thing is that it bothers me, but then it goes away, and I'm all better. I am super anti-social so you'd figure I could give two shits about any of this and that's true for the most part. My sister says I have ADHD or something. Meh, she might be right, she knows the signs and shit and apparently it entails a lot more than what I thought ADHD deals with. 
Anywhos, way off topic there...

I am a part of 3 FB groups. 2 World of Warcraft and 1 Sumo. They are super active and most of my feed are of the group member's postings. When I say "most of my feed" I'm for reals talking like 90%. Actually scratch that, it has a whole shit load of annoying adds too. Then I get my friend's posts as minimal as it is. So I'm sifting through a lot of crap before I get to anything meaningful. I mean not "crap" cuz the group's posts I love. I love my WoW stuff, and since I'm not playing it right now, it makes my heart happy to see all the screen shots and reading what others are doing ingame fills my heart with such joy! ha! And of course I'm obsessed with Sumo so my sumo group puts a sumo sized smile on my face as well. Thankfully I can get my fixes for WoW and sumo on youtube. But anywhos, my point to that rambling was that despite all the good things that I choose to see on my feeds, the crap also seeps in. Yes there's negative, disgruntled, spiteful, ignorant people in all those groups and reels. I always foolishly read them forgetting that some people suck. 
I'm gonna stop now because I'm sounding more and more like a someone I'd wanna slap the shit out of for complaining so much.

So to end this, I'll take my break in a day or two. I know I always say I'll keep up with this blog, but I can't guarantee that as most of my time has been taken up by work and school, and the rest is staying home being anti-social just how I like it. I'm sure I'll update things every now and again on this blog or my other ones. And I'm sure my break won't be as long as the last time.

Happy New Years Everyone! Stay weird and be safe!

What has Skully been up to?

Hello everyone who decided to click on that link.
The following might be a little too much sharing just FYI. If you know me, you know I love to read about people's stories, I would love to read of my friend's lives. I love to read biographies of people past and present. I know FB and IG you get a little taste of the lives we lead, but it's only brief and mostly in pictures. I am a sucker for a person's information (no, not your fuckin' SSN and internet passwords) and knowledge and the reasons why things happen in their lives. Maybe I should have took up Psychology instead of Surgical tech. Anywhos, off track... so yeah, the following will be me sharing. I'll try to throw some weird pictures, cuz what's a Skully blog without some weird shit thrown in there.

Activating both FB and IG at 3am this morning stirred up quite a bit of lovely post comments and PMs askin' where the hell I've been and what I've been doing for the past year and a half. For those interested in knowing in semi detail, I will tell you. But seriously nothing really interesting happened.

I guess the main reason why I left all my social media (and friends) behind was to work on myself. I deactivated a bit after my latest relationship took a dump. Yes again, and yes in the same fashion as the first one. Don't feel bad for me, I do it to myself. I've come to terms with understanding it's my fault I don't keep anyone's attention, I'm a loner and I'm oblivious to any signs that gets thrown my way indicating any kind of loss of interest, meh, it is what it is. They find someone else to fill that spot, I don't argue and fight, I just say "rajah!"... just gotta let it go. But that just goes to show balls might be lacking somewhere on them, because an actual conversation or forewarning of finding someone else on thier part never seems to come up... I'd like to think of it like "they are so nice, to think of my feelings, and that because I am such a sweetheart that they didn't want to hurt my poor little feelings" LMAO... my ass!, fuckin bullshit right. Alright enough of that shit...

So that started my small kine spiral. I had to run back to my Daddy... Pops, Aunty Patty, and Dustyn took my sad ass in. I felt so defeated, gone was the days of my independence, or partial because I did live with the ex. I know it's not a bad thing I came back to family, I really do, because a lot of people still live with their parents, If you tell me yeah well those people are in their 20s I'm gonna slap the shit out of you, fuckin jerks lol, I fuckin pay rent OK!. I know I'm a lost cause trying to climb out of this hole I've dug myself into just shy of covering it with dirt. But honestly, I love living with them. When I lived with my ex I could count on one hand how much times I saw them. That is over a year period. I worked fulltime and the time I was off I spent it with the ex. He hated driving across town, and we had the same days off and he wanted to not spend it in the car. So I spent that time with him. That is one of many regrets, not visiting them more during that time. But look, It worked out, I see then every fuckin day and I love it! My favorite thing to do is watch Sumo with pops, when there isn't tournaments I'll hang with him and watch sumo match analysis, or old tournaments. I'm currently trying to make the Yokozuna's belt as a necklace. I'm having trouble with the five Shide (lightning bolts) that hangs down, they keep fuckin breaking, I'll figure it out.
The pic insert is my favorite Yokozuna Asashoryu with the belt I'm tryin to make.

Dust started to paint, he paints on glass panes. I have 2 Anime pictures that he says he messes up on but I love them. He said he messed up on the shading and I didn't want him to just toss them so of course I'll take them. 

And my Aunty Patty time is spent mostly eating all the stuff she makes... Um yeah, be jealous... well not really because I'm not losing weight... LOL J/K it's not because she makes all the yummy deserts. It's because I'm just fat and I love to eat them ALL!!!! not gonna lie there.
I put a pic of her cake popsicle creation

Alright let's move this on...
A couple months past, Covid hit and the shut down happened. I work at Bally's. And since moving to Vegas I've always wanted to work in a casino, the cage to be exact. Hey man, it's Vegas, casino job, that's job security right there right... hmm, nope! Fuuuuuuck this. More depression sets in. Gotta do something productive... never happends. The only productive thing that happened was eating, and playing World of Warcraft. Playing WoW IS productive mind you. My good friend Crystal reached out to me during that time to check up on me, she's so fuckin sweet. I will always thank and credit her for lighting the fire under my ass about this school thing. I had no direction in life and apparently staying in the casino industry was not wise to bank all my chips on. During all the Covid shit you hear of all the Healthcare workers, who are pretty much risking their own lives to help others that have fallen ill to covid. No vaccine and they go to work and help the ill... If that is not super fuckin inspiring then I really don't know what is. Anyone in the healthcare industry has a very important job no matter that they do. It

didn't take long to figure out what the fuck I wanted to. I knew I wanted to do something with surgeries. I'm not smart enough, or willing to take on a huge ass student debt that I'm sure I won't pay off before I fuckin die, to be a surgeon, so I decided on a Surgical Tech. I inquired at a school, and said OK. To be honest, If Unemployment and Stimulus checks had not come, I would not have enrolled. If anything good came out of my last relationship it gave me the opportunity to get completely out of credit card debt, and I will thank him for that. So all the money I was able to get from the shutdown I put towards my schooling. 
After the lockdown, and Ballys opened back up I lost my fulltime status and hours. SOOOooooo looks like enrolling in school was a smart thing to do huh. I mean aside from continuing your education is always a smart thing to do... Sadly I am old and I really wish I had more direction earlier in my life. Aside from my teacher, I am the oldest in my class lol. Oh yeah and because I catch on quick, get straight As, I run some study groups, and when in class I try to help my classmates come up with the answers instead of just blurting out the answers myself, my teacher said my school is hiring for teachers and asked if I'd be interested in teaching Medical Assisting there... tempting, but I do have an end goal, and teaching isn't it.

So that brings us to today, and the end of my social media boycott. I'm in a better place in my head. I struggle with this fuckin shit show of a life I've created for myself, as I'm sure everyone does. Some are way better and equipped to dealing with it. People have shoulders to go to. I don't have a shoulder. I know my friends tell me to just come to them, but I don't. I have a very full bottle. Writing these blogs helps me relive some of the pressure building up. I don't verbally talk to people about it, but this is my outlet. It's more concrete I guess, and I fully understand it is public, and I'm completely OK with the fact everyone can read and judge me if they feel the need to. If you ever read any of my other blogs, you can clearly see I don't give a shit. I say what I want and I do what I want. And it helps me and that's all that matters really.

And to end this... I told you I needed to add some weird shit in here, I mean aside from my whole ramblings if anyone sat through it all LOL... Here is the Godzilla shark... 300 million years old fossil found in New Mexico and he finally gets an official name a couple days ago "Dracopristis hoffmanorum"... See I give educational shit in my posts too!

Holy Crap look what I just found on the interwebs....
I guess I'll be "journaling" more lol. But my handwriting is shit so I guess more internet blogging will be happening. Well aside for the "RL" blog, I have my others that are full of random ramblings that I'll prolly be doing more then this one. As random topics pop into my head and my opinions accumulate I tend to write about it... Should I have gone into creative writing or something?... Shit stop!! ok bye...

I Copy/pasted the below... pretty interesting!

If anyone does decide to pick this "journaling" thing up and make it public, send me a link to it, know that someone would love to read about your fascinating stories.

___________________________

Journaling for Mental Health

When you were a teenager, you might have kept a diary hidden under your mattress. It was a place to confess your struggles and fears without judgment or punishment. It likely felt good to get all of those thoughts and feelings out of your head and down on paper. The world seemed clearer.

You may have stopped using a diary once you reached adulthood. But the concept and its benefits still apply. Now it’s called journaling. It's simply writing down your thoughts and feelings to understand them more clearly. And if you struggle with stress, depression, or anxiety, keeping a journal can be a great idea. It can help you gain control of your emotions and improve your mental health.

Journaling benefits     

One of the ways to deal with any overwhelming emotion is to find a healthy way to express yourself. This makes a journal a helpful tool in managing your mental health. Journaling can help you:

• Manage anxiety

• Reduce stress

• Cope with depression

Journaling helps control your symptoms and improve your mood by:

• Helping you prioritize problems, fears, and concerns

• Tracking any symptoms day-to-day so that you can recognize triggers and learn ways to better control them

• Providing an opportunity for positive self-talk and identifying negative thoughts and behaviors

When you have a problem and you're stressed, keeping a journal can help you identify what’s causing that stress or anxiety. Once you’ve identified your stressors, you can work on a plan to resolve the problems and reduce your stress.

Second and last attempt at online dating

Oh boy... ok, I think before I publish this I gotta go back and read my other one from several years ago.
Ugh, why do I even bother. I dont like people, I dont trust people, and I'm shallow.
I'm not a tease and I don't lead them on or anything, but because I'm so guarded and I'm used to guys lying to me I don't put much effort into keeping their attention.  They may have the same hangups as I do, but I'll never really know because I dont ask. And especially off a dating website, you know they talk to multiple people at the same time. Youre not special. However I find it difficult to do so, so this last time I started talking to one person, and hid my profile right after and just contunue text for the next few days. I lost interest, and so did the guy. But I really dont feel like unhiding my profile. Such a waste of time and effort. I might have just wanted to find another bang buddy, but then got worried about all these fuckin gross STDs floatin' around.
Dating anyone is not for me I guess. It's not the boring one partner forever stuff, that, I dont care about. It's just that I have certain routines. I dont like to deviate from them. In the last 4 years, besides family, I let one person disturb that. I met him on the same dating website. Was never anything committed, but If he was a bit more responsible and not lazy, I wouldnt have minded keeping him around and putting more effort into an actual relationship. I am shallow, he was cute, not very bright, but a good looking boy.
It's hard when you find someone with the same issues as you. Neither of you trust the other, and it never works. You both tell the truth, but you both also don't believe the other IS telling the truth. Its a vicious circle and no one wins. This is how difficult I am... I like when the guy initiates decent conversation, I dont text first, because I'm not needy, I dont ask alot of questions because I'm not nosey. And it sucks big time if I find the same person like me... damn we're screwed.

=just read the other entry, I wrote it 2014, it was written in my "random topics" blog=