Second and last attempt at online dating

Oh boy... ok, I think before I publish this I gotta go back and read my other one from several years ago.
Ugh, why do I even bother. I dont like people, I dont trust people, and I'm shallow.
I'm not a tease and I don't lead them on or anything, but because I'm so guarded and I'm used to guys lying to me I don't put much effort into keeping their attention.  They may have the same hangups as I do, but I'll never really know because I dont ask. And especially off a dating website, you know they talk to multiple people at the same time. Youre not special. However I find it difficult to do so, so this last time I started talking to one person, and hid my profile right after and just contunue text for the next few days. I lost interest, and so did the guy. But I really dont feel like unhiding my profile. Such a waste of time and effort. I might have just wanted to find another bang buddy, but then got worried about all these fuckin gross STDs floatin' around.
Dating anyone is not for me I guess. It's not the boring one partner forever stuff, that, I dont care about. It's just that I have certain routines. I dont like to deviate from them. In the last 4 years, besides family, I let one person disturb that. I met him on the same dating website. Was never anything committed, but If he was a bit more responsible and not lazy, I wouldnt have minded keeping him around and putting more effort into an actual relationship. I am shallow, he was cute, not very bright, but a good looking boy.
It's hard when you find someone with the same issues as you. Neither of you trust the other, and it never works. You both tell the truth, but you both also don't believe the other IS telling the truth. Its a vicious circle and no one wins. This is how difficult I am... I like when the guy initiates decent conversation, I dont text first, because I'm not needy, I dont ask alot of questions because I'm not nosey. And it sucks big time if I find the same person like me... damn we're screwed.

=just read the other entry, I wrote it 2014, it was written in my "random topics" blog=

Too much sharing? oh well

Karma:
I have a friend, and no that is not cover for "me", who shared some interesting feelings that resembled a hell of a lot of how I feel and how I've lived my "love" life.
Love, pshaw, if you can call it that.
She felt like she was doomed to be alone. Karma has caught up with her is how she put it. I don't think in this case its Karma though. I don't really know what it is. She feels like she will never find anyone who will love her and only her because of the things shes done before.  And to be honest, that's how I felt. While she's sharing the things she did in the past I can't help but to see a lot of myself in her. I'm older then her so I've racked up a bit more body count then she, but nonetheless... similar. There are differences between us though, she has 2 kids from the only actual relationship she's ever had and till this day she has accepted her so-called Karma. I have not accepted mine. Or maybe I like to tell myself that I can change and settle down, but in actuality, I can't and will never.

I started out in a situation where the other guy had several other girls. No lies from the beginning, everything was laid out from the beginning, the other girls knew about the other girls and it was ok. With it being my first I thought this is what was the norm and like with every girl was made to feel like you were the "special one" so I couldn't figure out why I wasn't enough. It wasn't a relationship by far, but I was loyal because it was the first person that wanted to bang me. Goodness forbid at the time I couldn't think why anyone would. My loyalty didn't last very long, He thought I was loyal but like you do... strayed. Why should I be loyal if he aint?. Eventually ended when a new girl came along that was able to get him to marry her. No problem, then you leave. Guy after guy, no attachment, no feelings came easy. Sadly the no attachment for me came at the expense of the guy's other halves (with the exception of some married couples I've been with). They cheated and I was the one they cheated with. I was the perfect person for their infidelity. I caused no drama, I don't get attached, I'm not needy, I don't ask for anything more, I was very discreet, I never text first, there's pretty much nothing I wouldn't do sexually, but mainly I didn't care about their girlfriends. Deep down I think I did. I was a good listener. I listened to them talk about their relationship problems. All while thinking how much of a loser asshole this person is that they don't have the balls to break anything off and spare the girls the heartache of finding out that their guys are dipping their dick in another pussy. Disgust started to creep up, but I still continued with what I was used to. Play shrink and get paid by sex is how I saw it. As much as guys say they want to just come over and hang, chat and no sex involved, do they think they were pulling the wool over my eyes? I say ok knowing that im getting laid. I was ok with knowing that they thought I was stupid just as long as I got my way as well.
My first (and only) relationship started off with conversation and not sex like the usual. I was flattered that someone wanted to actually talk to me, get to know me, and not focus on the physical part. It was nice, it was different. Foreign to me but nice nonetheless. That relationship lasted a good 5 or 6 years. I even moved away from home for him. I was done. I was done looking for anything else. I never saw myself not with him for the rest of my life. Relationships have problems, ours did but nothing I thought was major. We never actually fought. I never saw a need to. Id get angry when the bank account would be negative because he withdrew 400 to pay for the weed habit before an auto bill pay. but we never really argued about it. I hated his weed habit. He hated my World of Warcraft habit, which is fuckin hilarious because he's the one who introduced me to the game. I was my heaviest Ive ever been in 8 years. I hated the way I looked, I hated going places, I hated my body so I even hated having sex, because aside from showering, you have to get naked for that. He'd want me to go out with him to his friends houses to hang out, but I'd always hate to go. Them just sitting around smoking weed, I really wasn't interested in sitting in a smoke filled living room. I have friends who smoke and I don't knock it. Just respect the fact that I don't like it, it stays away from me and were just peachy. I love them no less. The more he goes out across town, the more and more I put 2 and 2 together. So I did what I do best, and eye for an eye. Sadly that experience was so not worth a cheat imo. Aunt back home got sick, I went back for 2 weeks and when I got back, The new girl was moved in and all my stuff was out, no warning. Not even my phone calls while I was away indicated anything of the sort. Oh well that's life right.
 /gut punch
... aye I dont like this entry. ima pause here.
_____________________________________
The above was written: 8/30/16
restart entry: 7/9/17
Geez I angrily shared so much last year, and yet not even everything, how can I not continue this and post it...
Actually it won't continue as a hurt, angry entry, but more so a final word of a better acceptance of the cards I've been dealt.
I understand there's noone out there that will compliment me fully. No one out there that feels that I'm worth trying for. So I wont try anymore. You always hope there is, but deep down you been with so much people that disappoint you in some way or another, you just give up. Keep to yourself. Take care of yourself. Family and a handful of close friends is all that matter. You will always hope you'll find someone that wont be a lying fuckin cunt douche that you can tolerate for more then 2 seconds, but does that person really exist for me? nope, because I will always see guys as such. Because its what I'm used to... thats the norm.

Hawaii Vacation/Dustyn Graduation

In 2 days I fly back home. Little Brother Dustyn graduates from High School. Very Proud of him. This Fall he's going to be attending UNLV. I'll try not to smother him and go down there and stalk him and make sure he's OK. Kidding, I know he'll be fine. Sadly I won't see him much when I go back home due to Project Graduation timing against my flight. Its Ok, like I said I'll see him later in the year.

This time I'm going under happier circumstances versus my last trip back home. I know this was a long time ago, and one would think it has been so long get the fuck over it. I am over it, but it will still live with me. Still live with the fact that someone could actually do the shit that happened to me. When you come back to all your shit taken out of your own room and drawers, replaced with some other chicks clothes and bath stuff, you'd freak the fuck out too. No warning, not even a courtesy call saying "it's definitely over, I'm fucking someone else now, and I moved her in". So devastating.  Anywhos, on the upside, That was the best thing that happened to me. I was kicked out, I learned to support myself. Gained my independence, I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to deal with anyone's bullshit. Well the point to telling that little story was simply that although I know I don't have anyone here to do that shit to me again, it still is the last memory I had of leaving Vegas and coming back to something unbelievably chicken shit that it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. All I gotta think is, That ain't gonna happen this time. It will be a good trip, and I will come back to my life in tact, nothing would be changed, and my heart not ripped out of my chest, threw on the ground and pretty much pissed on.

Alright Back to normal shit. I don't leave for another couple of days. I'm trying to put together an itinerary, but don't have anything down solid. My diet will go to shit during the next week. So much food I want to eat. So much places I wanna go to, just to see whats changed. Several months ago I thought I wanted to try good Hawaiian Food places I've never eaten before. Then recently I thought, meh, I don't really give a shit. I wanna go back to the places I KNOW I like, places that I miss since moving here. Um Fuckin Zippys and Foodland Poke is at the top of my list.  And just hang out and see what the hell more has changed.

I wont let the change of home bother me as much as it did the last time I went back. I am fully expecting it this time. I'm fully aware that  they're "touristing" the place up. It's not really my home anymore anyways. My home is Vegas. The Whities can have Hawaii...
FUCKIN KIDDING!!!