Insecurities

 Alright. completely sober when writing this. That last one was interesting to say the least.

I hold onto a lot and bottle shit up. I guess I felt the need to pop the top off just a tad while drunk and see where that put me in the sharing department. It wasn't super shocking to be honest. It wasn't terrible at all considering when my normal brain went over it, I didn't have to delete anything... I swear I didn't. Even if I did I guess you'll never know huh.

Anywhose, although I have the topic for this one picked, it might end up bleeding into the depression category again... You really can't have one without the other in my opinion, or at least I can't. I don't know which is making the other worse.
Is it the fact that I'm depressed so not giving a shit about my health or body anymore is playing on my insecurities?
Or that I have so much insecurities that it's making me depressed and not wanting to do anything.
When I say "not wanting to do anything", I literally mean that. I just want to crawl back in bed, close my eyes and fall asleep. It's easier to do that lately because I've been sick. Which btw is super odd... I don't fuckin get sick. I don't remember the last time I was sick like this. It must have been hella long time ago cuz the medicines I did have was expired for a hot minute. I think sometime last year I had a slight cold but that was over in a couple days.

And with the feeling of wanting to crawl into bed ending up becoming the feeling of never wanting to get out of bed, that's where most of the depression sets in. 
Actually, there's two places most of the bad thoughts flood my head.. In bed and in the shower. I really don't know why those two places fuck with my head so much. haha. Actually I think I know why. The bed because although no one else is in the room with you, when you cry you can pull the blanket over your face and in your head no one else will know or see what happening. 

I'm gonna assume the shower reason is the same for crying. The water washes your tears away. But the bathroom as a whole is the worst for my body insecurities... Naked in the bathroom, looking at the piece of shit staring back at you, wondering how the fuck you let yourself get like this again and really wondering if you can ever undo what you broke. I say broke because I feel I did break everything. I broke my drive to get shit done. I broke the confidence I once found in myself. I broke my rule of never letting that "depressed" label ever be associated with my name. But I broke that several years ago I guess. Feels bad, it really does.

I know I struggle with the way I look now as opposed to how I did several years ago. Catfishy pictures are all I have going for myself right now... kidding, kinda. I've been taking some, but still hate the shit out of them. Gets me more depressed. 

Why don't you just change and do better?
That's easier said than done in my opinion. I try... I try to do things that makes me happy. Puts a smile on my face even if only for a short while. I don't know what will help... Medication? maybe. Will getting on antidepressants help me look past my insecurities? I don't fuckin think so, I don't think they work like that. I'm a hot mess, I know it. No amount of happy pills is gonna fix it. 

Everytime, well like 90% of the time, when I hear from an aunty, she always asks about my love life. And the answer to her is always the same. "I have no interest, I'm gonna die alone". It's partially to make myself feel better about being alone and really it makes me laugh.  But in all seriousness, how can I even think to get into another relationship. Things I hate about myself are manifested 10x in my head and just the thought of my partner seeing and silently agreeing with all my gross insecurities terrifies me. And besides how can I expect someone else to love me if I can't even fuckin love myself.