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| Why didn't I ever get these! Chinese cigarettes |
I started smoking in high school in 9th grade. I started because I thought it was cool, The kids I wanted to get in with were doing it so I needed to as well. I am slightly ashamed I indeed was a follower. My dad smoked so it was easy access for me. He'd buy them by the cartons. "Eh girl, go get me a pack" so I'd get one for him, and sneak one for myself. He caught on, but never said anything. A couple of years ago I told him what I did and he said he knew when he was going through them so fast. But honestly if I knew he knew what I was doing, that wouldn't have stopped me from smoking. Allowance money would be given to friends who would go buy them from the manapua truck. It's rather sad how easy kids can get things that have an age limit to buy. It goes the same with alcohol. But anywhos...
5/11/15
Talked with Mom tonight and I smoked my last cigarette in my pack @ 8pm. I thought I had another pack in my freezer. Freaked out when I realized that I didn't. Paced around my apartment "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine". Even though I don't crave a cigarette at the time, just knowing that I don't have any smokes, drives me nuts to the point of a panic attack as dumb as that sounds.
Yes I do have my vape which unless I'm working, its with me constantly. I always said it's not the nicotine I'm addicted to... It's the habit, the habit of going outside and getting out my lighter and having the flame light the end of my cigarette. Taking that first drag and ignoring the silent cries of my lungs. The fact that I'm slowly killing myself never crosses my mind when I feel relief and actual joy from smoking a cigarette.
5/12/15
Went out with Shannon today. Wanted to see how I felt. If I needed to stop off at the store to buy some smokes the opportunity was there. I did good and resisted. But I think hanging with someone that doesn't smoke anymore and no work stress had a lot to do with it. Back to work tomorrow. First day of an actual challenge. We'll see how that goes. Interesting fact I read, E-Cigarette Use Triples Among U.S. Teens in 1 Year. Come on! the teens are high school kids you know are doing it for trend reasons. Not to satisfy nicotine cravings. Oh and another headline I read from an article posted back in April. Hawaii may raise it's smoking age to 21. Personally I don't give a crap what age they try and raise it to. Kids will find a way to get it no matter what.
5/13/15
First day of work without a cigarette went well. 8 hours constantly working was the key. It's my breaks and lunches that are the killer, so I eliminated those and I was fine. Funny thing is that the time I spend smoking is the time I spend playing Candy Crush haha. So I'm not really playing it as much as I was previously. Damn addicting game. My worry is that I will replace cigarettes with food. Less trips to my balcony will be replaced with more trips to the fridge.
5/14/15
I sleep with my vape. I'm fine, I'm fine. on the plus side when people ask me for a cigarette and I tell them I don't have one, I'm actually not lying. Support your own habit. If you're too broke to buy your own then you shouldn't be smoking. If you're not buying smokes because you're trying to quit but still ask someone for a cigarette, you don't really want to quit. That way isn't for you. Ugh. I notice my normal routines are being disrupted. My routine at home. Play WoW take a break, smoke a cigarette. New routine I guess... play WoW, play WoW, play WoW. haha
5/15/15
I was preparing myself for this. 3rd and the 4th nights usually come with a hard time breathing while I'm trying to go to sleep. I have to breathe heavy to get a full breath of air in my struggling lungs. I don't panic, I always expect it. And it does go away. Its happy lungs but it's not used to not having tobacco smoke filling it every day. On the bright side, I wake up with better breath. In the next couple of days I will wake up sounding like I'm hacking up a lung... all that gross phlegm is gonna make it's way out, eww I know, but hey, I said I was gonna explain the process right. hehe. As much as I'm putting on a strong front in public, a personal secluded struggle is real. As much as it hits hard at work, it's 10x worse at home when I have very little activities to occupy my once frequent habit. Less people to interact with results in me focusing on the fact that I don't have cigarettes. Some people can be social smokers and only smoke when they go out to drink and have a cigarette to accompany it. Maybe I should reduce down to that, and not FULLY quit. :-/
5/16/15
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| of course I had to put a vape selfie in there. |
Work: My patience was growing thin today. I know I've been frustrated far worse at work then how I was tonight, but the difference is I had my cigarettes to turn to to calm down. I didn't have that option tonight. Little things were bothering me that normally I can deal with. Went to get the mail after work and a lady was coming out of the mail room. She picked up her lit cigarette she left outside the door and I could smell the sweet sweet tobacco smoke in the air. I had to compose myself. Made me realize that was actually the closest I've been to cigarette smoke since the last night I had one myself. Tuesday's trip to the Orleans I didn't even come close to someone smoking. Yeah I could smell it, but duh, it's a casino, the smell is everywhere.
Last day of this entry
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| This is my main motivation. I was literally burning my money. |
I was able to make it through a week of no cigarettes it wasn't fully cold turkey because of my vape, but as far as an actual cigarette, I have had none. I've made it this far might as well not fall off the wagon. The day that I can go without having to keep telling myself that "I don't need a cigarette" is when I've won. Until then, I will have to deal with it my own way.
Now just because I've stopped smoking cigarettes doesn't mean I'ma shove tobacco free shit down your throat. I'm not gonna go around frowning upon active smokers, and preaching a healthy tobacco free life. I fuckin hated it when people did it to me, so I wouldn't think to do it to others. It's a lifestyle choice, and one I've loved and gotten joy from for so many years. It provided me with comfort and calmness for all of my adult(if you can call it that) life. It helped me through sad times, times when it felt like my life was falling apart and I'd never climb out. So Thank you Cigarettes for that.
If I don't fall off the wagon, I will miss the shit out of it. Cigarettes will always have a special place in my heart and permanently in my lungs with the damage that it's already done.
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| Not too sure what this was saying, but it made me giggle. Giving BJ's are not rubbish! |
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| Box of lighters. I've lost and gave away so many more. |
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| This chart I found doesn't reflect me considering I still am getting my nicotine fix | . but it was interesting. |
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| Cigarettes, I love you! |
