my no bday excuse

It's really not me trying to be a Debbie Downer, but birthdays aren't an extremely big deal for me., especially since leaving Hawaii and all my family. Birthdays back home consisted of the closest Sunday to your birthday Daddy making steaks on the grill and on the day of your birthday, Aunty Patty would always make whatever dinner you wanted. And Aunty Eileen and Aunty Karen coming down on those Sundays. More so Aunty Karen because her Birthday comes on the day following mine so we would always celebrate it together. I do miss those days. and I do miss my family back home.
I felt bad that my boss felt bad for not giving me the day off. It was totally fine. If I wanted the day off I would have requested it. Birthdays don't just pop up out of nowhere where I would have "forgot" to request off. Sadly one thing with me is that my job comes before anything. If I requested off, that would have messed with other manager's routine schedules. I hardly request any days off, I don't vacation anywhere, I schedule appointments around my work shifts. The last time I missed a shift was when I pulled my calf other then that if I'm feeling like death, I still make it to work.
If I had family here or someone to share days off with, maybe I would take advantage of time off requests, but I don't. But just because technically I'm alone, I try not to show that I'm a miserable mess. I still smile, and talk to people, and laugh, and to be honest the way that we treat others is all that really matters. Is my way of thinking wrong when I say that just as long as you treat others with respect and care about others it doesn't matter what you struggle with behind closed doors? Everything else in this world is bigger then the crap we deal with in our own lives. So if you can make a difference in someone else's day and put a smile on their face, then why not do it, no matter how depressed you are.
What sparked this entry was the "aww why not, it's your birthday" that came from a friend simply asking why I wasn't doing anything for my birthday. I don't get upset or sad when people say that, but I feel the slight pity, behind their words. lol Birthdays are just another reminder that I'm getting old and I have nothing to show for it. Well besides my weirdness. And I'm awesome :-)

No Smoking Skully! REALLY!?!?!?!?

Why didn't I ever get these! Chinese cigarettes

The longest I've went without a cigarette in a while might have been just a couple of days. I will post this in 7 days. I'm going to track how I'm feeling or what happens every day in those 7 days. I'll post this even though I don't make it that far. I might be jinxing myself because I've said I'd quit many times before, obviously it never stuck. I didn't make it widely known, I think just mainly for the people I work with, only because they constantly will have to hear me bitch and complain.
I started smoking in high school in 9th grade. I started because I thought it was cool, The kids I wanted to get in with were doing it so I needed to as well. I am slightly ashamed I indeed was a follower. My dad smoked so it was easy access for me. He'd buy them by the cartons. "Eh girl, go get me a pack" so I'd get one for him, and sneak one for myself. He caught on, but never said anything. A couple of years ago I told him what I did and he said he knew when he was going through them so fast. But honestly if I knew he knew what I was doing, that wouldn't have stopped me from smoking. Allowance money would be given to friends who would go buy them from the manapua truck. It's rather sad how easy kids can get things that have an age limit to buy. It goes the same with alcohol. But anywhos...

5/11/15
Talked with Mom tonight and I smoked my last cigarette in my pack @ 8pm. I thought I had another pack in my freezer. Freaked out when I realized that I didn't. Paced around my apartment "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine". Even though I don't crave a cigarette at the time, just knowing that I don't have any smokes, drives me nuts to the point of a panic attack as dumb as that sounds.
Yes I do have my vape which unless I'm working, its with me constantly. I always said it's not the nicotine I'm addicted to... It's the habit, the habit of going outside and getting out my lighter and having the flame light the end of my cigarette. Taking that first drag and ignoring the silent cries of my lungs. The fact that I'm slowly killing myself never crosses my mind when I feel relief and actual joy from smoking a cigarette.

5/12/15
Went out with Shannon today. Wanted to see how I felt. If I needed to stop off at the store to buy some smokes the opportunity was there. I did good and resisted. But I think hanging with someone that doesn't smoke anymore and no work stress had a lot to do with it. Back to work tomorrow. First day of an actual challenge. We'll see how that goes. Interesting fact I read, E-Cigarette Use Triples Among U.S. Teens in 1 Year. Come on! the teens are high school kids you know are doing it for trend reasons. Not to satisfy nicotine cravings. Oh and another headline I read from an article posted back in April. Hawaii may raise it's smoking age to 21. Personally I don't give a crap what age they try and raise it to. Kids will find a way to get it no matter what.

5/13/15
First day of work without a cigarette went well. 8 hours constantly working was the key. It's my breaks and lunches that are the killer, so I eliminated those and I was fine. Funny thing is that the time I spend smoking is the time I spend playing Candy Crush haha. So I'm not really playing it as much as I was previously. Damn addicting game. My worry is that I will replace cigarettes with food. Less trips to my balcony will be replaced with more trips to the fridge.

5/14/15
I sleep with my vape. I'm fine, I'm fine. on the plus side when people ask me for a cigarette and I tell them I don't have one, I'm actually not lying. Support your own habit. If you're too broke to buy your own then you shouldn't be smoking. If you're not buying smokes because you're trying to quit but still ask someone for a cigarette, you don't really want to quit. That way isn't for you. Ugh. I notice my normal routines are being disrupted. My routine at home. Play WoW take a break, smoke a cigarette. New routine I guess... play WoW, play WoW, play WoW. haha

5/15/15
I was preparing myself for this. 3rd and the 4th nights usually come with a hard time breathing while I'm trying to go to sleep. I have to breathe heavy to get a full breath of air in my struggling lungs. I don't panic, I always expect it. And it does go away. Its happy lungs but it's not used to not having tobacco smoke filling it every day. On the bright side, I wake up with better breath. In the next couple of days I will wake up sounding like I'm hacking up a lung... all that gross phlegm is gonna make it's way out, eww I know, but hey, I said I was gonna explain the process right. hehe. As much as I'm putting on a strong front in public, a personal secluded struggle is real. As much as it hits hard at work, it's 10x worse at home when I have very little activities to occupy my once frequent habit. Less people to interact with results in me focusing on the fact that I don't have cigarettes. Some people can be social smokers and only smoke when they go out to drink and have a cigarette to accompany it. Maybe I should reduce down to that, and not FULLY quit. :-/

5/16/15

of course I had to put a vape selfie in there.

Taking long pauses trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't have cigarettes is becoming more frequent. Fighting the urge to buy a pack is really taking a toll on my will power. My vape is helping a lot. I've stopped mixing my 0's with 12's and just been using my 16's. In a week I've had to change my coil twice and switch out my battery three times. Thank goodness for having 2 batteries because I'd go nuts. Tomorrow night technically will not be a full week without a cigarette but I will post this after I write tomorrow. I know I can make it to a full week because today is my Friday! and I'll be a hermit the next 2 days. So the worst thing is I can go insane and have the worst of my withdrawals happen. I have a cigarette box rubbish drawer on my balcony. If it gets bad, I can see myself digging in those empty boxes trying to find at least one cigarette I might have accidentally left in a box.
Work: My patience was growing thin today. I know I've been frustrated far worse at work then how I was tonight, but the difference is I had my cigarettes to turn to to calm down. I didn't have that option tonight. Little things were bothering me that normally I can deal with. Went to get the mail after work and a lady was coming out of the mail room. She picked up her lit cigarette she left outside the door and I could smell the sweet sweet tobacco smoke in the air. I had to compose myself. Made me realize that was actually the closest I've been to cigarette smoke since the last night I had one myself. Tuesday's trip to the Orleans I didn't even come close to someone smoking. Yeah I could smell it, but duh, it's a casino, the smell is everywhere.

5/17/15
Last day of this entry

This is my main motivation. I was literally burning my money.

I'm normally nice to people so if I snapped at anyone or showed more frustration then normal I'm sorry. I don't blame the no smoking on it, but I found myself really having to concentrate on not being a bitch with certain people. On the mucho plus side I saved 40 bucks this week!!!!! Fuck yeah! well $36 to be exact. $12 for 2 packs of smokes from Fills(and a free lighter each time) and I go about every other day. Geez that's about a pack a day.
I was able to make it through a week of no cigarettes it wasn't fully cold turkey because of my vape, but as far as an actual cigarette, I have had none. I've made it this far might as well not fall off the wagon. The day that I can go without having to keep telling myself that "I don't need a cigarette" is when I've won. Until then, I will have to deal with it my own way.
Now just because I've stopped smoking cigarettes doesn't mean I'ma shove tobacco free shit down your throat. I'm not gonna go around frowning upon active smokers, and preaching a healthy tobacco free life. I fuckin hated it when people did it to me, so I wouldn't think to do it to others. It's a lifestyle choice, and one I've loved and gotten joy from for so many years. It provided me with comfort and calmness for all of my adult(if you can call it that) life. It helped me through sad times, times when it felt like my life was falling apart and I'd never climb out. So Thank you Cigarettes for that.
If I don't fall off the wagon, I will miss the shit out of it. Cigarettes will always have a special place in my heart and permanently in my lungs with the damage that it's already done.

Not too sure what this was saying, but it made me giggle. Giving BJ's are not rubbish!

Box of lighters. I've lost and gave away so many more.

This chart I found doesn't reflect me considering I still am getting my nicotine fix

. but it was interesting.

Cigarettes, I love you!

Things could be worse...

When I think about everything crappy going on in my life right now, I have to remind myself that I really don't got it that bad. My empty life is all of my own fault and my bad decisions. When you choose to get involved with someone that only saw you as a bang buddy and nothing more but you chose to see if anything would come from it, and nothing does, you take your leave but still feel sad and miss that person and hope for a text or "can we talk" call one day, but nothing. Acceptance starts to sink in. My problem is I become jaded towards everyone else again. finding problems with guys. Picking out traits, actions and words that never bothered me before. Is it a defense mechanism? I don't know, might be. Anyways...
A lot of people around me right now are losing their loved ones or their loved ones are falling scary ill. My problems seem so minor compared to theirs but because they are mine, they are magnified 10x. And then when I think of the ones that have lost, sympathy for them sets in and my dumb hurt girl issues fades. I can't imagine losing a parent, and of course almost losing a child. I dread that day. I can't feel what anyone feels because I have not lived it, I can't say I understand what you're going through because I have not experienced the same. But all I can do is offer my sympathy, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. I think I'm an excellent listener. As opinionated as I am I will not have any words in this case, but I will listen to yours.

I am so far away from my family. When Mish moves back to Hawaii in May I will be the only one of my parents kids not in Hawaii. It always makes me think... Suck up my independent pride and move back to Hawaii to be closer to family.
This option is always floating around in my head and I have battled with the idea time and time again. It's getting ridiculously annoying because the outcome is always the same. You can't live alone in Hawaii unless you have an awesome paying job or roommates to split house payment with. I will not go back and have to be dependent on anyone. Well, unless I'm dead shit broke and homeless... then that's a different story.
I just try to put on a smile, fake or not, suck it up and push on.... Things could be worse.

Time... slowly... ticks

Weird to say but time has been going by slowly for me when I'm at home. I don't know why, and it usually goes by too quickly. I haven't been on the WoW a lot and I guess time goes by quicker when I'm on and playing and having a good time.
Recently I find myself on my red chair just watching TV shows and behind one of my computer monitors is a clock. My eyes veer up to my clock every 10 to 15 minutes. and I start to get bored and tired. Why is time going by so slow? The next 2 days I close, So maybe I'll get back to my norm. Maybe the 4am shifts threw off my inner clock. Last night I was in bed by 8pm which was unusual for me when I close the next day(today). Maybe sleeping the rest of the day away would be better. Better for my mind when it wanders to terrible places. I have no one to worry about taking care of, just myself.

I love clocks. I like knowing the time. I haaate being late to important things. Well I take that back. I don't care if I'm late for work. hehe jk jk. No but seriously, punctuality is a quality I think very highly of. I get annoyed at myself if something happens when I can't make it to someplace on time when I say. And sadly, I will always expect the same out of other people. Maybe that's why I am so difficult to please. Don't tell me you'll be there at a certain time and then show up an hour later. Although I always will expect the tardiness, it annoys the shit out of me. It turns back into lies. Harsh comparison, but when you think about it, that's what it is, bottom line.
Ugh terrible ending to this but I'm done. Off to shitty work.