Hawaii Vacation/Dustyn Graduation

In 2 days I fly back home. Little Brother Dustyn graduates from High School. Very Proud of him. This Fall he's going to be attending UNLV. I'll try not to smother him and go down there and stalk him and make sure he's OK. Kidding, I know he'll be fine. Sadly I won't see him much when I go back home due to Project Graduation timing against my flight. Its Ok, like I said I'll see him later in the year.

This time I'm going under happier circumstances versus my last trip back home. I know this was a long time ago, and one would think it has been so long get the fuck over it. I am over it, but it will still live with me. Still live with the fact that someone could actually do the shit that happened to me. When you come back to all your shit taken out of your own room and drawers, replaced with some other chicks clothes and bath stuff, you'd freak the fuck out too. No warning, not even a courtesy call saying "it's definitely over, I'm fucking someone else now, and I moved her in". So devastating.  Anywhos, on the upside, That was the best thing that happened to me. I was kicked out, I learned to support myself. Gained my independence, I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to deal with anyone's bullshit. Well the point to telling that little story was simply that although I know I don't have anyone here to do that shit to me again, it still is the last memory I had of leaving Vegas and coming back to something unbelievably chicken shit that it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. All I gotta think is, That ain't gonna happen this time. It will be a good trip, and I will come back to my life in tact, nothing would be changed, and my heart not ripped out of my chest, threw on the ground and pretty much pissed on.

Alright Back to normal shit. I don't leave for another couple of days. I'm trying to put together an itinerary, but don't have anything down solid. My diet will go to shit during the next week. So much food I want to eat. So much places I wanna go to, just to see whats changed. Several months ago I thought I wanted to try good Hawaiian Food places I've never eaten before. Then recently I thought, meh, I don't really give a shit. I wanna go back to the places I KNOW I like, places that I miss since moving here. Um Fuckin Zippys and Foodland Poke is at the top of my list.  And just hang out and see what the hell more has changed.

I wont let the change of home bother me as much as it did the last time I went back. I am fully expecting it this time. I'm fully aware that  they're "touristing" the place up. It's not really my home anymore anyways. My home is Vegas. The Whities can have Hawaii...
FUCKIN KIDDING!!!

Remembering home stuff

I started to write this one several months ago. I don't exactly know what made me think of reminiscing of home in. I do it often lately though. maybe it's the loneliness I don't know.
My aunty's Japan trip talk made me think of home and the few Japanese things that I grew up around.
One huge thing I remember was the smell of traditional incense. Not that hippy shit you can buy from any smoke shop or walmart. I'm talking about the sticks we used to get from the Hongwanji mission when the reverend from the temple came to pray with us at the house once a month. I remember Grandma telling us. "clean the house, the reverend coming to pray" We'd get our little pillows and kneel down with he and Grandma. I needed to have that smell. in my house, so I googled where to get it. I ordered it and the only thing I lacked was the little pot of ashes that you put the sticks in. because they are full incense and not that shitty ones on the thin sticks, these burn all the way down, you cant just the holders you buy at the store.

With the same incense instance I thought about another smell I was used to.  Fuckin' mosquito punks. The green coils on the thin metal holders on the ground next to the chair you're sitting on outside. Another use for these were lighting fireworks with them. I think was the most brilliant thing ever. It prevented the kids from using matches, or lighters to try to light their fireworks and sparklers. Making sure they were lit when you're outside helping Pops with his chickens was a must.
I know I'm not back home or in Japan for that matter, but I was always brought up to take off your slippers/shoes when you go in a house. I will never understand the outside shoes in the house especially in a house with carpet. I don't know why I can't get used to it. It's dirty. You track dirt, oil, possibly animal shit all over your house, and then after you shower you have clean feet, but you're walking through your dirty house and it gets all over your feet. Although I have friends that don't practice this tradition in their own houses, I do appreciate when my friends come over and they know me, and they respect my house and they automatically take off their shoes. I never ask, but they know me already and they do it for me. I remember when we'd have family gatherings and there would be a crap ton of slippers outside the house on the porch. When I was smaller I'd sit in the doorway and make all the slippers face outwards in the correct pairs. Turns out thats actually what they do in Japan for the purpose of in case they have to run out of the house for safety reasons their slippers are facing the correct way to just step in them and walk away. I think I did it for minor OCD reasons, or the fact that sometimes when you leave your family's house and you never turn on the porch light you end up leaving with one side of someone else s slipper. you don't notice until the next day you step outside. "Why I get aunty's left side purple slippah" ahh good times.
More on the Japanese track, I was thinking what they heck does a zen garden accomplish? does it make you feel at peace to rake sand lines around a rock. Lets try it. Little zen garden came with a little Buddha figure. Meh, it's cute, but too small for any kid of stress relief.
Little Japanese lanterns were too cute to pass up. I was gonna order more, but the outlet plugs won't accommodate the way I wanna string them. cute though.
And finally, every Easter back home I remember buying little chickies with bead eyes and plastic feet. Not one reason to buy them, but decorating my room with baby chicks, Michaels had them on clearance for a dollar. how could I pass that up.

Depression... pshaw!

(draft written 2/28/16)
As of today, this has been the longest my No social media (facebook, Instagram) fit has went on. I don't know if it's hurting or helping me. When I deactivate, it usually lasts no more then 5 days and then I need more candy crush lives, or I need friends to help me unlock to the next level... shut up, I know it's dumb. I don't follow a lot of people on my friends list because it limits the things that I see. I love everyone on my friends list, but don't always agree with the things they post. Like I'm sure people do with me. I'm very opinionated, but I keep my mouth shut 90% of the time. And in the hurting way, it gets lonely. I don't know what everyone is up to, yet it makes me feel nosy when I want to see what my friends are up to, but then I get sad because everyone is so happy with their families. Can't win there. I know I have issues. I'm difficult to get along with and even more difficult to satisfy.

I've always said depression is a choice. A weak choice. You can choose to be depressed or you can get off your ass and get out and do something about it. I watched a TV show where a girl was going through the stages of Depression. I never knew there was such a thing, so I googled it. Why was I not surprised.  This is what I found:

What Is Major or Clinical Depression?

Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
• Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
• Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others)
• Restlessness or feeling slowed down
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
• Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)

Every single fuckin thing on this list in the last few weeks all has run it's course.
I've been unusually drained especially at work. I'm the one that does not stop working, I'm constantly moving from the beginning of my shift to the end. But this last week has not been the same. I noticed it, but didn't associate it with depression. My Insomnia has been going on for a while now. I can't sleep without some kind of sleep aid. I have gained 15 pounds in the last month but I just figured it was because I'm trying to eat all my food in my house so I can just focus on eating ramen and sandwiches and go back to exercising everyday to lose weight. I won't touch on the last one, well just to put people's minds at ease, I do not think about suicide at all... my death, but not intentionally by anything self inflicted. More so that if I died in my house, because I live alone and don't talk to anyone, no one would know until the neighbors would smell my rotting corpse.  I've been getting very irritable with everything. People especially, well that might be my fault... no its not! My hair has not been brushed in 2 weeks. Washed yes, but I have not brushed it. I just wanna cut it. I plan to cut it after I lose the 15 to 20 pounds. Makes sense to have short hair in the summer anyways.

________________________________
(3/6/16)
The previous was written about a week ago. I did have intentions of continuing to put my issues into words however it did make me more depressed actually reading what I was struggling through. It kinda helped me snap out of it actually. I never imagined myself being depressed. That's dumb you can't put Skully and Depressed in the same sentence I always said.
The day following the previous writings was filled with more bad thoughts and me taking every single poster off my walls. Yes even including my WoW posters.
This is how I felt:
I'm gonna be 36, I have no kids, after being dumped on my ass several years ago I have had no relationship since (that's my fault tho. I'm very difficult and I get annoyed easily), I live alone, I have no family near me... Pretty much I felt like I need to grow up and get rid of childish things.

I decided to share all that because I know I'm not the only one I know who has these types of feelings. It's not full blown depression or anything, I can't. It's just not possible. This is my logic:
I do too much bubbly ridiculous things to ever spiral downward. I try for the silly, goofy, dare I say idiotic actions over mature ones. I don't care if I look dumb, I don't care if people think I'm stupid, I'll be the first to say that about myself. I don't care what people think about me. I don't have important opinions and I sure as shit don't make smart decisions. I'm crazy to put it in simpler terms I guess.
Anyways enough of this self deprecating bullshit, and lets talk about stuff that I'm doing to just try to live the rest of life on this planet cheery and stress free. The biggest stress in my life was money issues. I fuckin love money, who doesn't. If you don't, you're a fuckin liar! I'm kidding, no I'm not... you ARE a liar. My spending habits in my early 20's were fricken horrible, credit cards, buying what ever I wanted, not fully understanding how it all works. Yeah I lived a sheltered life. Lived at home till 27. I had my Daddy to protect me. Not fully understanding what it was like to fend for myself until I moved out. Actually no, until I was kicked out after I was dumped. That's when I got that "life slap in the face". I pay my own bills (err besides my phone. Thanks Mommy!!) I love Credit Karma(its a free app) because it tells you how you can fix your credit, and sure enough I did what it suggested and lets just say, I'd get approved for anything now.
But anyways enough money talk, wait what? no never!!! money money money... ok stop!
I'd say my days off are the worst for me. I don't have people around me when I'm not at work. My co-workers make me laugh, they give me human interaction. Even though I feel shitty inside, just being around them makes me feel better. Today was the first day off in a long time I actually enjoyed myself. I initially wanted to go down to The Orleans and watch movies, but it was so cold and windy outside I decided against it.  As you can see from the video I posted on Facebook, it was a "happy fat girl day" today.  
Made a cake with random junk shoved in it, and since I spent my day in the kitchen I decided to put my TV on the bar(pic). Faced it in the kitchen when I cooked and then turned it to the living room when I chilled on the couch. Watched Chikara wrestling DVDs all day. I love that promotion, I wish they came to Vegas. Or I wish I lived in PA.
And I played with Baby Dinosaur. I let her run around the house without her ball for a bit. She had fun exploring.
So to end this, I'm getting better, and I'll continue to get better. I shared my depressive feeling with a friend and was told to try to snap out of it. Do the things that I like to do. Pretty much don't suppress who I am just because I feel like I need to grow up. No one wins there. I won't be happy and if no one else appreciates that then fuck em. Just focus on yourself.

my no bday excuse

It's really not me trying to be a Debbie Downer, but birthdays aren't an extremely big deal for me., especially since leaving Hawaii and all my family. Birthdays back home consisted of the closest Sunday to your birthday Daddy making steaks on the grill and on the day of your birthday, Aunty Patty would always make whatever dinner you wanted. And Aunty Eileen and Aunty Karen coming down on those Sundays. More so Aunty Karen because her Birthday comes on the day following mine so we would always celebrate it together. I do miss those days. and I do miss my family back home.
I felt bad that my boss felt bad for not giving me the day off. It was totally fine. If I wanted the day off I would have requested it. Birthdays don't just pop up out of nowhere where I would have "forgot" to request off. Sadly one thing with me is that my job comes before anything. If I requested off, that would have messed with other manager's routine schedules. I hardly request any days off, I don't vacation anywhere, I schedule appointments around my work shifts. The last time I missed a shift was when I pulled my calf other then that if I'm feeling like death, I still make it to work.
If I had family here or someone to share days off with, maybe I would take advantage of time off requests, but I don't. But just because technically I'm alone, I try not to show that I'm a miserable mess. I still smile, and talk to people, and laugh, and to be honest the way that we treat others is all that really matters. Is my way of thinking wrong when I say that just as long as you treat others with respect and care about others it doesn't matter what you struggle with behind closed doors? Everything else in this world is bigger then the crap we deal with in our own lives. So if you can make a difference in someone else's day and put a smile on their face, then why not do it, no matter how depressed you are.
What sparked this entry was the "aww why not, it's your birthday" that came from a friend simply asking why I wasn't doing anything for my birthday. I don't get upset or sad when people say that, but I feel the slight pity, behind their words. lol Birthdays are just another reminder that I'm getting old and I have nothing to show for it. Well besides my weirdness. And I'm awesome :-)

No Smoking Skully! REALLY!?!?!?!?

Why didn't I ever get these! Chinese cigarettes

The longest I've went without a cigarette in a while might have been just a couple of days. I will post this in 7 days. I'm going to track how I'm feeling or what happens every day in those 7 days. I'll post this even though I don't make it that far. I might be jinxing myself because I've said I'd quit many times before, obviously it never stuck. I didn't make it widely known, I think just mainly for the people I work with, only because they constantly will have to hear me bitch and complain.
I started smoking in high school in 9th grade. I started because I thought it was cool, The kids I wanted to get in with were doing it so I needed to as well. I am slightly ashamed I indeed was a follower. My dad smoked so it was easy access for me. He'd buy them by the cartons. "Eh girl, go get me a pack" so I'd get one for him, and sneak one for myself. He caught on, but never said anything. A couple of years ago I told him what I did and he said he knew when he was going through them so fast. But honestly if I knew he knew what I was doing, that wouldn't have stopped me from smoking. Allowance money would be given to friends who would go buy them from the manapua truck. It's rather sad how easy kids can get things that have an age limit to buy. It goes the same with alcohol. But anywhos...

5/11/15
Talked with Mom tonight and I smoked my last cigarette in my pack @ 8pm. I thought I had another pack in my freezer. Freaked out when I realized that I didn't. Paced around my apartment "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine". Even though I don't crave a cigarette at the time, just knowing that I don't have any smokes, drives me nuts to the point of a panic attack as dumb as that sounds.
Yes I do have my vape which unless I'm working, its with me constantly. I always said it's not the nicotine I'm addicted to... It's the habit, the habit of going outside and getting out my lighter and having the flame light the end of my cigarette. Taking that first drag and ignoring the silent cries of my lungs. The fact that I'm slowly killing myself never crosses my mind when I feel relief and actual joy from smoking a cigarette.

5/12/15
Went out with Shannon today. Wanted to see how I felt. If I needed to stop off at the store to buy some smokes the opportunity was there. I did good and resisted. But I think hanging with someone that doesn't smoke anymore and no work stress had a lot to do with it. Back to work tomorrow. First day of an actual challenge. We'll see how that goes. Interesting fact I read, E-Cigarette Use Triples Among U.S. Teens in 1 Year. Come on! the teens are high school kids you know are doing it for trend reasons. Not to satisfy nicotine cravings. Oh and another headline I read from an article posted back in April. Hawaii may raise it's smoking age to 21. Personally I don't give a crap what age they try and raise it to. Kids will find a way to get it no matter what.

5/13/15
First day of work without a cigarette went well. 8 hours constantly working was the key. It's my breaks and lunches that are the killer, so I eliminated those and I was fine. Funny thing is that the time I spend smoking is the time I spend playing Candy Crush haha. So I'm not really playing it as much as I was previously. Damn addicting game. My worry is that I will replace cigarettes with food. Less trips to my balcony will be replaced with more trips to the fridge.

5/14/15
I sleep with my vape. I'm fine, I'm fine. on the plus side when people ask me for a cigarette and I tell them I don't have one, I'm actually not lying. Support your own habit. If you're too broke to buy your own then you shouldn't be smoking. If you're not buying smokes because you're trying to quit but still ask someone for a cigarette, you don't really want to quit. That way isn't for you. Ugh. I notice my normal routines are being disrupted. My routine at home. Play WoW take a break, smoke a cigarette. New routine I guess... play WoW, play WoW, play WoW. haha

5/15/15
I was preparing myself for this. 3rd and the 4th nights usually come with a hard time breathing while I'm trying to go to sleep. I have to breathe heavy to get a full breath of air in my struggling lungs. I don't panic, I always expect it. And it does go away. Its happy lungs but it's not used to not having tobacco smoke filling it every day. On the bright side, I wake up with better breath. In the next couple of days I will wake up sounding like I'm hacking up a lung... all that gross phlegm is gonna make it's way out, eww I know, but hey, I said I was gonna explain the process right. hehe. As much as I'm putting on a strong front in public, a personal secluded struggle is real. As much as it hits hard at work, it's 10x worse at home when I have very little activities to occupy my once frequent habit. Less people to interact with results in me focusing on the fact that I don't have cigarettes. Some people can be social smokers and only smoke when they go out to drink and have a cigarette to accompany it. Maybe I should reduce down to that, and not FULLY quit. :-/

5/16/15

of course I had to put a vape selfie in there.

Taking long pauses trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't have cigarettes is becoming more frequent. Fighting the urge to buy a pack is really taking a toll on my will power. My vape is helping a lot. I've stopped mixing my 0's with 12's and just been using my 16's. In a week I've had to change my coil twice and switch out my battery three times. Thank goodness for having 2 batteries because I'd go nuts. Tomorrow night technically will not be a full week without a cigarette but I will post this after I write tomorrow. I know I can make it to a full week because today is my Friday! and I'll be a hermit the next 2 days. So the worst thing is I can go insane and have the worst of my withdrawals happen. I have a cigarette box rubbish drawer on my balcony. If it gets bad, I can see myself digging in those empty boxes trying to find at least one cigarette I might have accidentally left in a box.
Work: My patience was growing thin today. I know I've been frustrated far worse at work then how I was tonight, but the difference is I had my cigarettes to turn to to calm down. I didn't have that option tonight. Little things were bothering me that normally I can deal with. Went to get the mail after work and a lady was coming out of the mail room. She picked up her lit cigarette she left outside the door and I could smell the sweet sweet tobacco smoke in the air. I had to compose myself. Made me realize that was actually the closest I've been to cigarette smoke since the last night I had one myself. Tuesday's trip to the Orleans I didn't even come close to someone smoking. Yeah I could smell it, but duh, it's a casino, the smell is everywhere.

5/17/15
Last day of this entry

This is my main motivation. I was literally burning my money.

I'm normally nice to people so if I snapped at anyone or showed more frustration then normal I'm sorry. I don't blame the no smoking on it, but I found myself really having to concentrate on not being a bitch with certain people. On the mucho plus side I saved 40 bucks this week!!!!! Fuck yeah! well $36 to be exact. $12 for 2 packs of smokes from Fills(and a free lighter each time) and I go about every other day. Geez that's about a pack a day.
I was able to make it through a week of no cigarettes it wasn't fully cold turkey because of my vape, but as far as an actual cigarette, I have had none. I've made it this far might as well not fall off the wagon. The day that I can go without having to keep telling myself that "I don't need a cigarette" is when I've won. Until then, I will have to deal with it my own way.
Now just because I've stopped smoking cigarettes doesn't mean I'ma shove tobacco free shit down your throat. I'm not gonna go around frowning upon active smokers, and preaching a healthy tobacco free life. I fuckin hated it when people did it to me, so I wouldn't think to do it to others. It's a lifestyle choice, and one I've loved and gotten joy from for so many years. It provided me with comfort and calmness for all of my adult(if you can call it that) life. It helped me through sad times, times when it felt like my life was falling apart and I'd never climb out. So Thank you Cigarettes for that.
If I don't fall off the wagon, I will miss the shit out of it. Cigarettes will always have a special place in my heart and permanently in my lungs with the damage that it's already done.

Not too sure what this was saying, but it made me giggle. Giving BJ's are not rubbish!

Box of lighters. I've lost and gave away so many more.

This chart I found doesn't reflect me considering I still am getting my nicotine fix

. but it was interesting.

Cigarettes, I love you!

Things could be worse...

When I think about everything crappy going on in my life right now, I have to remind myself that I really don't got it that bad. My empty life is all of my own fault and my bad decisions. When you choose to get involved with someone that only saw you as a bang buddy and nothing more but you chose to see if anything would come from it, and nothing does, you take your leave but still feel sad and miss that person and hope for a text or "can we talk" call one day, but nothing. Acceptance starts to sink in. My problem is I become jaded towards everyone else again. finding problems with guys. Picking out traits, actions and words that never bothered me before. Is it a defense mechanism? I don't know, might be. Anyways...
A lot of people around me right now are losing their loved ones or their loved ones are falling scary ill. My problems seem so minor compared to theirs but because they are mine, they are magnified 10x. And then when I think of the ones that have lost, sympathy for them sets in and my dumb hurt girl issues fades. I can't imagine losing a parent, and of course almost losing a child. I dread that day. I can't feel what anyone feels because I have not lived it, I can't say I understand what you're going through because I have not experienced the same. But all I can do is offer my sympathy, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. I think I'm an excellent listener. As opinionated as I am I will not have any words in this case, but I will listen to yours.

I am so far away from my family. When Mish moves back to Hawaii in May I will be the only one of my parents kids not in Hawaii. It always makes me think... Suck up my independent pride and move back to Hawaii to be closer to family.
This option is always floating around in my head and I have battled with the idea time and time again. It's getting ridiculously annoying because the outcome is always the same. You can't live alone in Hawaii unless you have an awesome paying job or roommates to split house payment with. I will not go back and have to be dependent on anyone. Well, unless I'm dead shit broke and homeless... then that's a different story.
I just try to put on a smile, fake or not, suck it up and push on.... Things could be worse.

Time... slowly... ticks

Weird to say but time has been going by slowly for me when I'm at home. I don't know why, and it usually goes by too quickly. I haven't been on the WoW a lot and I guess time goes by quicker when I'm on and playing and having a good time.
Recently I find myself on my red chair just watching TV shows and behind one of my computer monitors is a clock. My eyes veer up to my clock every 10 to 15 minutes. and I start to get bored and tired. Why is time going by so slow? The next 2 days I close, So maybe I'll get back to my norm. Maybe the 4am shifts threw off my inner clock. Last night I was in bed by 8pm which was unusual for me when I close the next day(today). Maybe sleeping the rest of the day away would be better. Better for my mind when it wanders to terrible places. I have no one to worry about taking care of, just myself.

I love clocks. I like knowing the time. I haaate being late to important things. Well I take that back. I don't care if I'm late for work. hehe jk jk. No but seriously, punctuality is a quality I think very highly of. I get annoyed at myself if something happens when I can't make it to someplace on time when I say. And sadly, I will always expect the same out of other people. Maybe that's why I am so difficult to please. Don't tell me you'll be there at a certain time and then show up an hour later. Although I always will expect the tardiness, it annoys the shit out of me. It turns back into lies. Harsh comparison, but when you think about it, that's what it is, bottom line.
Ugh terrible ending to this but I'm done. Off to shitty work.