November weight

First off, as far as I can remember I was never really one to hide how much I weighed. if someone asked, I told. So this entry is of no worry to me that y'all know how much I friggen weigh now cuz I don't give a crap. Since when was I ever candid with anything anyways? yeah, I can't remember too.  But just because I wasn't gonna hide it, doesn't mean I was ok with it. It's a problem I've struggled with and probably be a struggle forever as I was not one blessed with the ability to eat what ever the hell I want, not exercise and still be rail thin.

Anywhos, so I started doing this in June. I tacked a sheet of folder paper and a pen on a string to my bathroom wall in front of my scale. Every morning when I wake up I get on the scale and write down what surprise the scale had for me. I know there are a lot of people that say you shouldn't weigh yourself every day as it can be stressful and disheartening seeing the results after an extremely lazy day, or a weekend full of partying, or oh geez my robe must be 5 pounds heavier today.
I won't lie, sometimes I freak out (not really) when it climbed in a day and I try so hard to think "what the heck did I eat yesterday? Ohhh fuckin McDonalds!!! you've ruined me!!! But you're so damn yummy."
I love charts, graphs and anything else that keeps track of progress and how things change. In October I started to put all the papers into Excel by month. November is when I started to keep track of events, eating out, or any other thing that could impact my weight. As to my surprise it showed.
November was the month with the most erratic change it was neat to see it on paper.

I don't have an ultimate goal for myself. I figured just put a goal for my chart an take it down a little by little. Lets say if I did hit the chart goal for that month, I would just extend the goal another 5 pounds. So really the chart will never let me end the month in green. lol

So lets see what happened in November.
Blizzcon was my first mini vacay of no work for 3 days. During that time I had ordered Dominos Pizza that lasted me 3 or 4 days. The jump in weight from that was expected and funny as heck to see it spike on my chart.
Back to work and Dominos all gone.
A couple days later my next vacay for WoW Expansion release. I was a little sick during the whole time. Ate, didn't eat, ate, didn't eat. back and forth not feeling like eating to wanting to eat my whole fridge. 
I should keep track of my days off on the chart as well. I'll do it this month
The big help for me is work. If I'm at work, I'm busy. I work retail, I'm always on my feet just shy of running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I don't eat at work. My lunch breaks consist of ingesting 4 cigarettes... well not really ingesting, you know what I mean :-P . People offer when they get food and I always decline. They're so sweet tho, they still try to make me eat something so they just buy it and know I'll eat it out of obligation. When I'm not at work I'm always at home gaming and scrounging around in my kitchen. So in the end, along with providing me with money to live, tons of shitty ass stress, and a place where I met amazing friends... Working really does help me with my life long struggle with my weight. Sooo I guess... Thank You work?

End of the year resolution?

I guess it's way too late to be a new years resolution, so lets just call it my end of the year resolution :-)
I will make a strong attempt to start them on November 1st.
I've started this part already. Eating everything in my house and trying not to buy any new food. "Everything" consists of all the boxed, frozen, canned and snack foods. All I plan to keep is crackers (saltine and Ritz... must resist roasted onion Triscuits), saimin (ramen), instant oatmeal, fruits, veggies and milk. I'm almost there but there are times when I'm just not hungry due to my appetite suppressing diet pills, (they work so wonderfully well) but those times it just puts a damper on my food elimination plans. Prolongs my mission to rid my house of yummy yummy fat girl food. Slowly but surely.
My apartment complex has a gym that I have only used a couple of times in the 1 1/2 years I've been here. Failure to take full advantage of this amenity is a terrible waste on my part.
Keeping myself and my mind busy with something else besides WoW, blogging and vlogging is something that I need to do... but but, I enjoy them so much. Well, I'll just go easy on them and not post so much. I've been spending money lately on rubbish, clothes, shoes, random junk. All because it makes me feel better. I have no where to wear these things. All I do is go to work and come home. lols... sadness, but anyways.
Get my iPod and getting my lazy ass to the gym is what I need to do ASAP. That will make me feel better. Physically and hopefully mentally as well. Instead of sitting at home during my sleepless nights I can use that time to go to the gym. It's always open.
Now here is the challenge. My decision to make changes in November might not be the wisest. Live streaming Blizzcon November 7th and 8th and using the 9th to rewatch missed panels. Like every year, I'm so bummed I'm not actually going to Blizzcon. Metallica playing the closing ceremony this year. Holy shiiiit!!! And then World of Warcraft's expansion Warlords Of Draenor launches on the 13th and I'm requesting off several days for that as well for all night/day gaming. But December seems like too far away to try to start fixing my problems. It's ok, baby steps right.
I need to do this for myself. I don't have someone in my life that constantly tells me I'm beautiful, and that I'm perfect for them and that they care about me, and will never hurt me, blah blah blah. It gets sad, but I've accepted the fact that although this sounds like self-pity, I understand that I can't satisfy someone to want to keep me around. I am difficult to get along with, and somewhat difficult to please in some respect. But then when you open up, you just get slapped in the face when you realize that a booty call is all what you were there for. And then you shut down all over again. That seems to be the trend nowadays and pretty accurate assumption/observation on my part anyways. Then you start treating guys the same way. It's a vicious cycle. Whatever, get over it. That's life lady, get used to it.
But I've never been one to do anything and think what will others think of me. I don't care, I do what I want... completely ridiculous, and frowned upon by the majority. And for the most part, as much as I entertain myself, I entertain others as well, and that's what I get joy from. To make people laugh, even if it is AT me and not so much WITH me, I am satisfied. Makes others feel normal compared to me, and have them realize that their life isn't so bad. Enjoy what you have, because you could end up like me.

For the better?... I guess.

Caught up with an old friend today. He asked me if I regret meeting my longest relationship guy...
I do not regret it. If I never met him, I would not have ever moved away from Hawaii. I would not have left the only home I knew for 27 years of my life. I would never know what it was like to be on my own and having to support myself. I would not have met all the great friends I have made here.
It's cheaper to live here then it is in Hawaii, everyone knows that. If I stayed I would always be dependent on my family in some way. In my opinion, In Hawaii, unless you have a great paying job, a roomie, or a second income you can't ever leave home. I always say if I can do it, anyone can do it. I'm not smart, obviously, so really anyone can do it :-)
My independence here is a lot of the reason I don't go back. Everytime pops comes to visit he always asks when I'm coming back home. Sometimes I think it would be better if I did. Easier. Closer to family whom I miss so much. But that won't help me. I'll just be going backwards.
I have no family here but the friends I have are just that for me. As much as I miss my family I see them often. Indeed Vegas is the "9th Island". So many Hawaii people and family comes here to visit so much that I don't completely get lonely.
I haven't went through hard shit in my life like a lot of people. I might have turned out differently if I had. Maybe just to have the experience of it all I might view things and handle things in my life differently as well. Hearing stories of what friends went through in their lives does make me thankful that I haven't had first hand experience, and I can't relate, but I do sympathize. Pulls at the heart strings ya know. Do not mistake it for pity, It's sympathy and concern coming off on my end.
For the most part I'm doing OK. I keep to myself and I entertain myself. No dramas, just me... living my life.
Just thought of something kinda depressing for my parents... Between their four kids, they ain't getting any grandchildren. LMAO. Sorry that was soooo not very funny... kinda was... no it wasn't. I know they say it's not a big deal and if that's what we want then it will happen, etc. But isn't that what parent's live for... to have grandchildren? To multiply their family?... for their minions to make more minions? I don't know. Mish! get on it!! eww kidding. I went backwards in that department so I'm a lost cause apparently. Not feeling bad for myself or anything, it just is what it is.
Not too sure where this entry is going right now, kinda went off topic and just started rambling, like usual. I didn't finish this one all in one sitting either, I started it several days ago so that might have been why I was bit scattered on the content. Then I just searched for "family quotes" for pics and that didn't turn up good ones I liked, then I searched for "lonely quotes" and it just got depressing.
In my eyes being lonely sucks, but it's a good thing in a lot of ways. You get used to it, and you know how to handle it without completely breaking down and going nuts. I've been to that point, and then friends always pulls me out. Whether it be going to hang out or just talking on the phone. I'm always concerned about others before myself. I was concerned for my sister far more then myself for the past couple of years, but now she has roommates, my parents and I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing she has the constant companionship of people to socialize with.  She being all the way in Minnesota, family will naturally get concerned.
Anyways, I'm over this entry. I've rambled enough for my own good.

7/31/14

As much as I loved my 2 days off, I didn't intend for it to get extended by another day. Woke up about 4:30am not feeling good. I ate a bunch of shit last night so figured pepto would help. went back to sleep until it was time for me to get up and get ready for work... still didn't feel good. Called in sick. Odd I know, but something else didn't feel right. took nighttime cold medicine for the knock out effects, not because I have a cold. 1pm woken up by a phone call. Mom never calls me during the day, my heart sank, I knew what this call was about before I answered. Gordon passed.
Gordon was my grandma's husband. Our step-grandpa if you will. We were never close to him, but he was there. He was there for my Grandma. We lived with him for a bit. Beer and cigarettes were the norm. Lung and throat cancer and tumors in his throat. Text from mom last week broke my heart. for her to watch him go through all that and what it was doing to his health she asked that I really consider to quit smoking. My decision to try to switch to a vape again was because of her text. I know what smoking does to you, I'm not stupid. I'm not afraid of death I'm not afraid to die. But it's sad when you don't care about your own health but you're more concerned with how much it will effect the ones around you. I get hurt off of other people's sadness. I sit here upset at the thought of what my mom is going through. Yes in some way it is effecting me because technically he was the closest thing to a grandpa I can remember. Grandpa on my dad's side was nice, but hardly around.
I haven't had an actual cigarette in over a day. not because I choose not to smoke it, but because I don't have any. You can bet your ass if I had any, I would be on my balcony right now. But I thought making the attempt to switch was going to be a good thing. Then you get told by the one person asking you to quit that the long term effects or just general other effects of what a vape does to oneself hasn't been tested throughout time so it could be doing damage to something else. And the fact that you trying to switch and fully quit smoking has just been shot down.
I needed to laugh when I rolled out of bed. Turned on Netflix to watch the rest of a TV show that is so adorable it makes me laugh all the time. I finished the season and then decided to watch a sappy romance movie. IDK why. It's kinda boring but it's mellow. Bleh, I'm tired now.

My Aunty Karen

Saturday was the burial of Aunty Karen's Ashes at Mililani Cemetary by Grandma and Grandpa's graves. When asked if I was going to be coming back for the burial, I was torn. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't.Work had nothing to do with it. I still have vacation time and I know if I asked, my bosses would have said yes.
My family asked if it was a money issue. I think I said no. Because I knew they would have made sure I was there if not by way of Dad's wallet then Aunty Eileen would have paid for my way. That would have been far to expensive, but they would have made sure it happened.
But you know me, I don't accept things easily and a plane ticket would be far to much. I know it was important to everyone and trust me I've been tryin to keep my mind occupied to not dwell on my selfish decision to not go. Why do I say selfish when I was saving people's wallets from getting $600 lighter? Because I said no for my own feelings. My own feeling of having to leave my family when I have to come back to Vegas. Selfish right? Some might say no but I'm the biggest judge of my own actions, and feel this was a selfish decision to have made.

Pops, Aunty Patty, Dustyn

I didn't want to sit on a 6 hour flight only to come back a couple days later on another 6 hour flight. I didn't want to have to say bye to Mom and my brothers. Although I would be sad saying bye to Dad, Aunty Patty and Dustyn, I see them all the time when they visit me, but it would still kill me to leave them nonetheless.
I'd come back to nothing. I don't have family here. I have friends yes, and they do treat me like I was family and make sure I'm taken cared of and I'm not dead. haha. And as much as I am eternally grateful, you know it's not the same.

Aunties: Jan, Eileen, Doris, Grace

I really don't know how my sister does it. For fuck sake, she's all the way in Minnesota where no family goes to visit.
I got these pics from Aunty Patty and Aunty Eileen yesterday and today. I cried both times the texts came in. Seeing Aunty Karen's picture next her urn flooded back memories of last February when I was standing next to her hospital bed holding her hand.  I'm sorry I wasn't there and I'm sorry my selfish needs took priority over the support I could have given to my family by simply just being there.