Just Google It.....

 I do this shit all the time...

Why would someone not want to know everything they can? I've said it before, I love encyclopedias and the knowledge about stuff they have in them. I do want to eventually get a full set of the Encyclopedia Britannica. It's hard because they always update and add new stuff. Those suckers are expensive. I know there's the digital version for 80 bucks but it's just not the same. Ugh! so much information!!!
You don't need school to be educated necessarily, all you need is the willingness to learn about things and the internet. Yes yes, but Skully, the internet is full of false and inaccurate information. Well then you just need to stay away from social media and know where to get your information from. I will be honest, I read trash and stuff that I know is loaded with crap information but I always take that with a grain. Be skeptical but also use common sense. I guess it helps when you're so open-minded to everything, and you want to just absorb as much knowledge as possible. Not everyone has the time. I have a lot of time. I mean on a daily basis, not in life in general, I'm getting old and I'll prolly die soon from some health reason or another. But anyways...

So yeah, the internet makes it so easy to just type what you wanna know and you can read shit about it quick, it's really not a new thing. This topic popped in my head today cuz I have been studying for my CST certification exam and as I'm going through the test book, I'm also googling stuff that I wanna know more of... which by the way is slightly not smart because I'm not even half way through this damn book. I get side-tracked A LOT and that's really not good when I'm trying to focus on studying for something specific. I mean it does pertain to what I'm studying so it's not completely terrible, but still. That's where the thirst for knowledge comes in with me. I'm readying a question, and I get the answer right, but I wanna know why. OK, soooo why is a culdocentesis performed for a suspected ectopic pregnancy? and where are we making a surgical puncture?, and what is the fluid we're draining? I'm telling you man, I go off on googling and reading this shit. Or yeah, you use a coude tipped catheter for a urethral stricture... why? why not a normal tipped one?

If you tell me, well you should have learned that in school, ohhh, that's another rant I can (and will) go off on in another entry, but I'll say this here... We didn't really learn much at the school from the teachers we had. Anywhos!
Getting back to my topic. The internet, in general has so much information, if people took the time to read about things on their own and not because they were told to, we'd have so many brilliant people in this world. If they spent more time researching things they'd like to really learn about rather then having their faces glued to social media turning their brains to mush, I can guarantee you, people would be smarter. Not saying that people won't still do dumb stuff. Goodness knows I'm full of dumb shit. Take the time to be a little more eloquent with my words and use proper writing and speaking skills... Nah, I don't know that shit, so obviously I'm not talking about writing and speaking knowledge. I did notice however, in my general ed classes when we had to do our essays, the proper writing skills did come out. I'm not making excuses for my poor grammar and punctuation here, just stating an observation. What I do here is just me typing away how I talk normally. It's funner to go back and read these and giggle to myself. And yes, "funner" is totally a word. google it! just kidding, I don't fuckin know if it is... and I'm not gonna go google it to make sure (ok maybe I just did).  

Did I just veer away from my topic again... kinda... ok bringing it back.
The "want" for the knowledge is what most people lack nowadays. The "I don't care attitude" seems to be all around us. I'm not preaching anything specific but just people's attitudes in general lately. 
Not everyone wants to know about things. I'll be honest, I was like that too. If it wasn't near me or if I wasn't affected by it directly, I didn't care. Yes I still live in my bubble, and yes I still don't like to go out places, but I still have the desire to know what's going on outside my life. And that's a huge reason why the people of the world are the way that they are. They don't take the time to learn about things they don't understand, or new things, or even things they actually have questions about. It's easy to just say fuck it, I don't care. I have those days, but more times then not, I'm opening up a web browser and looking it up myself. Not only reading the first thing that I see, but take from different sources and just soak up everything you can.

I really liked this picture I found. It just reminded me of what I do with things I think about that I wanna look up. My tiny computer desk is always scattered with post-its. I think of something, and if I can't look it up right then there, I write it down and look it up later. When I go out, I always have a little note pad in my bag. I've been utilizing the "sticky note" feature on my computer more because I have terrible handwriting and sometimes can't even read what the frick I wrote. Whatever I have to do to remind myself I guess. 
I have my moments of being fascinated by certain things and wanting to learn more about it. I think I mainly focused on the reading aspect of research, and completely forgot about the wonders of YouTube. I will be honest, I'm a dinosaur and it wasn't until a couple years ago that I really understood that YouTube wasn't just for entertainment and watching people do dumb ass shit, but there is educational stuff on there as well. It's 2am and I'm tired so I'll end this here. ok... ok bye!

Insecurities

 Alright. completely sober when writing this. That last one was interesting to say the least.

I hold onto a lot and bottle shit up. I guess I felt the need to pop the top off just a tad while drunk and see where that put me in the sharing department. It wasn't super shocking to be honest. It wasn't terrible at all considering when my normal brain went over it, I didn't have to delete anything... I swear I didn't. Even if I did I guess you'll never know huh.

Anywhose, although I have the topic for this one picked, it might end up bleeding into the depression category again... You really can't have one without the other in my opinion, or at least I can't. I don't know which is making the other worse.
Is it the fact that I'm depressed so not giving a shit about my health or body anymore is playing on my insecurities?
Or that I have so much insecurities that it's making me depressed and not wanting to do anything.
When I say "not wanting to do anything", I literally mean that. I just want to crawl back in bed, close my eyes and fall asleep. It's easier to do that lately because I've been sick. Which btw is super odd... I don't fuckin get sick. I don't remember the last time I was sick like this. It must have been hella long time ago cuz the medicines I did have was expired for a hot minute. I think sometime last year I had a slight cold but that was over in a couple days.

And with the feeling of wanting to crawl into bed ending up becoming the feeling of never wanting to get out of bed, that's where most of the depression sets in. 
Actually, there's two places most of the bad thoughts flood my head.. In bed and in the shower. I really don't know why those two places fuck with my head so much. haha. Actually I think I know why. The bed because although no one else is in the room with you, when you cry you can pull the blanket over your face and in your head no one else will know or see what happening. 

I'm gonna assume the shower reason is the same for crying. The water washes your tears away. But the bathroom as a whole is the worst for my body insecurities... Naked in the bathroom, looking at the piece of shit staring back at you, wondering how the fuck you let yourself get like this again and really wondering if you can ever undo what you broke. I say broke because I feel I did break everything. I broke my drive to get shit done. I broke the confidence I once found in myself. I broke my rule of never letting that "depressed" label ever be associated with my name. But I broke that several years ago I guess. Feels bad, it really does.

I know I struggle with the way I look now as opposed to how I did several years ago. Catfishy pictures are all I have going for myself right now... kidding, kinda. I've been taking some, but still hate the shit out of them. Gets me more depressed. 

Why don't you just change and do better?
That's easier said than done in my opinion. I try... I try to do things that makes me happy. Puts a smile on my face even if only for a short while. I don't know what will help... Medication? maybe. Will getting on antidepressants help me look past my insecurities? I don't fuckin think so, I don't think they work like that. I'm a hot mess, I know it. No amount of happy pills is gonna fix it. 

Everytime, well like 90% of the time, when I hear from an aunty, she always asks about my love life. And the answer to her is always the same. "I have no interest, I'm gonna die alone". It's partially to make myself feel better about being alone and really it makes me laugh.  But in all seriousness, how can I even think to get into another relationship. Things I hate about myself are manifested 10x in my head and just the thought of my partner seeing and silently agreeing with all my gross insecurities terrifies me. And besides how can I expect someone else to love me if I can't even fuckin love myself.

Depression and life

Im not gonna sugar coat anything and try to hide shit on this one..
I might be struggling with life.
With everything, personal and school life is a shit show.
I am not equipped to get though any of this. I know im drunk when im writhing this and all Im telling myself to do is edit the typing in the morning and then post it. I think its a better way for me get shit out on a level that is for reals. It might be just a way for me to know how I think when im drunk off my ass. so much shots of vodka has been had.
In the beginning it hides everything. gets rid of the feelings of all my issues, and just makes me feel good. like nothing fucking matters like my life isnt a shit show, when in actuality it is very much just that... a FUCKIN' shit show.
Im procrastinating on so much stuff for school.  It might be the end of my time here, but I will push through. I have a few friends that I'm not communicating as well as I should and immersing myself into World of Warcraft more then I really should. but fuck it, they know how I am and they still like me so thats a good thing I guess. 
_______________________________________
oh boy... the above was written back on Dec. 29, 22

I still have my bouts of depression popping up every so often, and I think it might stem from school. It's just really not what I had expected you know. Clinicals is a shit show... not the job itself, I guess the atmosphere where me and 2 other of my classmates are. I don't know. I think as far as being students at a hospital doing your clinicals, there should be more of a support system with the teaching and the school instructors being more active with the students... but we don't get that at the hospital we're at. The school instructors pretty much just dumped us off and said "fuck you, figure it out". We have no guidance and when one of the students actually reaches out to the instructor, they don't respond for several days, or even at all. They are very good at letting the students know that they don't give a fuck... They're just in it to take your money and let you sink. I don't reach out to any of them because that whole school is a fuckin hot mess complaining cluster fuck. Even people on the administrating side complains about the school to the students... fuckin professional right! It brings me down so much, and every day I wonder if I made the right decision. Of course I'm not giving up, Im gonna get through this, get my degree, get certified and I'll figure out the rest later. I should be more focused on this but in the given situation, It's so hard to get motivated. And I know that's where my depression stems from.
Along with the depression from school, my weight is a huge issue for me. And with that comes even more depression. And when I get depressed, I eat and the cycle never stops. The only thing that brings me joy is playing world of warcraft. But since I'm trying to be not completely anti-social, I've joined guilds for interaction and conversation, but get stressed out and depressed when drama happens and then I leave. You can tell me for days not to let things bother me, but I can't help it. 
My depression is not to the point of ever hurting myself. I really don't have it bad to the point where ending my life would be the only option for me. I'm always hopeful that things will get better and I'll get through this. I would never accept the "depressed" label, until family would keep asking. And then they would stop asking and they just flat out told me "You're depressed" plain and simple. Ohhh boy and at that point I'd get real defensive. I hated that word... it wasn't denial in my eyes, I really could not fathom the idea of ever being depressed... but I started doing research of the actual condition and it made me even more depressed to know that the signs are there. My actions, feelings, thoughts... are all that of a person suffering from depression. Trying to hide it is not fixing it. Trying to put that superficial coat on of smiles and cracking jokes all the time is a temporary fix. It's more for people around me. You don't bring down others if you're struggling with shit. Struggle by yourself is how I see it. And I do it damn well. But sometimes I do slip and tell people more then what I should. And then I kick myself, because embarrassment sets in... More so because I'm fuckin getting older and I have no life, I have nothing to really live for, no kids, no relationship, no career, I smoke and I drink until all of that shitty life reality fades away and I enjoy the numbness I feel physically and emotionally. Oh yeah and then being told that alcoholism runs in our family doesn't really seem to sink in. That part I'm not in denial, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't have a problem. drinking every day until you're shit faced does not make one an alcoholic... right? I drink by myself, where no one will see or hear hurtful shit if it ever would come spewing out of my mouth. I doubt it, I think I'm a fun drunk person. 
I initially wrote this to help my process... maybe typing while I was drunk was gonna make me realize, what the fuck are you doing with your life!??!?! but it's really only making me more depressed, knowing that someone, even me, is struggling with this alone is super sad. No support system, refuse to talk to friends or family no matter how much times they tell you "come to me if you need to talk", I've said it before, I don't burden anyone with my dumb issues. I'll deal with it myself. And no I'm not gonna fuckin kill myself... It would be so easy.