(draft written 2/28/16)
As of today, this has been the longest my No social media (facebook, Instagram) fit has went on. I don't know if it's hurting or helping me. When I deactivate, it usually lasts no more then 5 days and then I need more candy crush lives, or I need friends to help me unlock to the next level... shut up, I know it's dumb. I don't follow a lot of people on my friends list because it limits the things that I see. I love everyone on my friends list, but don't always agree with the things they post. Like I'm sure people do with me. I'm very opinionated, but I keep my mouth shut 90% of the time. And in the hurting way, it gets lonely. I don't know what everyone is up to, yet it makes me feel nosy when I want to see what my friends are up to, but then I get sad because everyone is so happy with their families. Can't win there. I know I have issues. I'm difficult to get along with and even more difficult to satisfy.
I've always said depression is a choice. A weak choice. You can choose to be depressed or you can get off your ass and get out and do something about it. I watched a TV show where a girl was going through the stages of Depression. I never knew there was such a thing, so I googled it. Why was I not surprised. This is what I found:
What Is Major or Clinical Depression?
Most people feel sad or low at some point in their
lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the
day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal
activities and
relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the
DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose
mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:
-
Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
- Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
-
Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
- Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all
activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be
indicated by reports from significant others)
- Restlessness or feeling slowed down
- Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
- Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)
Every single fuckin thing on this list in the last few weeks all has run it's course.
I've been unusually drained especially at work. I'm the one that does not stop working, I'm constantly moving from the beginning of my shift to the end. But this last week has not been the same. I noticed it, but didn't associate it with depression. My Insomnia has been going on for a while now. I can't sleep without some kind of sleep aid. I have gained 15 pounds in the last month but I just figured it was because I'm trying to eat all my food in my house so I can just focus on eating ramen and sandwiches and go back to exercising everyday to lose weight. I won't touch on the last one, well just to put people's minds at ease, I do not think about suicide at all... my death, but not intentionally by anything self inflicted. More so that if I died in my house, because I live alone and don't talk to anyone, no one would know until the neighbors would smell my rotting corpse. I've been getting very irritable with everything. People especially, well that might be my fault... no its not! My hair has not been brushed in 2 weeks. Washed yes, but I have not brushed it. I just wanna cut it. I plan to cut it after I lose the 15 to 20 pounds. Makes sense to have short hair in the summer anyways.
________________________________
(3/6/16)
The previous was written about a week ago. I did have intentions of continuing to put my issues into words however it did make me more depressed actually reading what I was struggling through. It kinda helped me snap out of it actually. I never imagined myself being depressed. That's dumb you can't put Skully and Depressed in the same sentence I always said.
The day following the previous writings was filled with more bad thoughts and me taking every single poster off my walls. Yes even including my WoW posters.
This is how I felt:
I'm gonna be 36, I have no kids, after being dumped on my ass several years ago I have had no relationship since (that's my fault tho. I'm very difficult and I get annoyed easily), I live alone, I have no family near me... Pretty much I felt like I need to grow up and get rid of childish things.
I decided to share all that because I know I'm not the only one I know who has these types of feelings. It's not full blown depression or anything, I can't. It's just not possible. This is my logic:
I do too much bubbly ridiculous things to ever spiral downward. I try for the silly, goofy, dare I say idiotic actions over mature ones. I don't care if I look dumb, I don't care if people think I'm stupid, I'll be the first to say that about myself. I don't care what people think about me. I don't have important opinions and I sure as shit don't make smart decisions. I'm crazy to put it in simpler terms I guess.
Anyways enough of this self deprecating bullshit, and lets talk about stuff that I'm doing to just try to live the rest of life on this planet cheery and stress free. The biggest stress in my life was money issues. I fuckin love money, who doesn't. If you don't, you're a fuckin liar! I'm kidding, no I'm not... you ARE a liar. My spending habits in my early 20's were fricken horrible, credit cards, buying what ever I wanted, not fully understanding how it all works. Yeah I lived a sheltered life. Lived at home till 27. I had my Daddy to protect me. Not fully understanding what it was like to fend for myself until I moved out. Actually no, until I was kicked out after I was dumped. That's when I got that "life slap in the face". I pay my own bills (err besides my phone. Thanks Mommy!!) I love Credit Karma(its a free app) because it tells you how you can fix your credit, and sure enough I did what it suggested and lets just say, I'd get approved for anything now.
But anyways enough money talk, wait what? no never!!! money money money... ok stop!
I'd say my days off are the worst for me. I don't have people around me when I'm not at work. My co-workers make me laugh, they give me human interaction. Even though I feel shitty inside, just being around them makes me feel better. Today was the first day off in a long time I actually enjoyed myself. I initially wanted to go down to The Orleans and watch movies, but it was so cold and windy outside I decided against it. As you can see from the video I posted on Facebook, it was a "happy fat girl day" today.
Made a cake with random junk shoved in it, and since I spent my day in the kitchen I decided to put my TV on the bar(pic). Faced it in the kitchen when I cooked and then turned it to the living room when I chilled on the couch. Watched Chikara wrestling DVDs all day. I love that promotion, I wish they came to Vegas. Or I wish I lived in PA.
And I played with Baby Dinosaur. I let her run around the house without her ball for a bit. She had fun exploring.
So to end this, I'm getting better, and I'll continue to get better. I shared my depressive feeling with a friend and was told to try to snap out of it. Do the things that I like to do. Pretty much don't suppress who I am just because I feel like I need to grow up. No one wins there. I won't be happy and if no one else appreciates that then fuck em. Just focus on yourself.
One huge thing I remember was the smell of traditional incense. Not that hippy shit you can buy from any smoke shop or walmart. I'm talking about the sticks we used to get from the Hongwanji mission when the reverend from the temple came to pray with us at the house once a month. I remember Grandma telling us. "clean the house, the reverend coming to pray" We'd get our little pillows and kneel down with he and Grandma. I needed to have that smell. in my house, so I googled where to get it. I ordered it and the only thing I lacked was the little pot of ashes that you put the sticks in. because they are full incense and not that shitty ones on the thin sticks, these burn all the way down, you cant just the holders you buy at the store.
I know I'm not back home or in Japan for that matter, but I was always brought up to take off your slippers/shoes when you go in a house. I will never understand the outside shoes in the house especially in a house with carpet. I don't know why I can't get used to it. It's dirty. You track dirt, oil, possibly animal shit all over your house, and then after you shower you have clean feet, but you're walking through your dirty house and it gets all over your feet. Although I have friends that don't practice this tradition in their own houses, I do appreciate when my friends come over and they know me, and they respect my house and they automatically take off their shoes. I never ask, but they know me already and they do it for me. I remember when we'd have family gatherings and there would be a crap ton of slippers outside the house on the porch. When I was smaller I'd sit in the doorway and make all the slippers face outwards in the correct pairs. Turns out thats actually what they do in Japan for the purpose of in case they have to run out of the house for safety reasons their slippers are facing the correct way to just step in them and walk away. I think I did it for minor OCD reasons, or the fact that sometimes when you leave your family's house and you never turn on the porch light you end up leaving with one side of someone else s slipper. you don't notice until the next day you step outside. "Why I get aunty's left side purple slippah" ahh good times.
More on the Japanese track, I was thinking what they heck does a zen garden accomplish? does it make you feel at peace to rake sand lines around a rock. Lets try it. Little zen garden came with a little Buddha figure. Meh, it's cute, but too small for any kid of stress relief.
Little Japanese lanterns were too cute to pass up. I was gonna order more, but the outlet plugs won't accommodate the way I wanna string them. cute though.
